Brandon Hiltibidal

March 28, 2019

4 Expectations to Establish In a New D-Group

A year ago, a friend of mine asked me to be in a D-Group. He had never started a D-Group before. He didn’t even know it was called a D-Group. But, he did it. He wanted to study the Bible and walk in accountability with two other men and he set the right expectations toward that end. A year later, all three of us have been hugely impacted by our time together and we owe a lot to how the group was launched.

Here are four expectations that were established up front that helped discipleship actually happen in our group.

1. A D-Group should confess consistently.

My friend made it clear he didn’t want to gather and pretend to shepherd one another. He didn’t want to talk around sin in hopes of feeling better for having been together. He asked us to update each other on how we were falling short of holiness and joy in Jesus, respond with grace, and push toward repentance every week.

He was willing to go below the “line of shame” and work to apply scripture to his own struggles. Now, every week, we all know we have the attention of friends who love us and are ready to help us struggle closer to the abundant life Christ wants for us.

He set the expectation of confession up front and we have benefitted from it ever since.

2. A D-Group should study the Bible.

This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised how easy it can be to get together for discipleship and never open the Bible. My friend who started our D-Group expressed, before our first meeting, that we would read scripture together. The Bible teaches us who we are in Christ and how we live in Him, so trying to “do life together” without it makes no sense. We’ve tried reading commentary together. Or we’ve selected passages each week. If you want something more consistent, you might consider the Foundations reading plan from Robby Gallaty. However you approach it, establish the expectation that the Bible will speak the loudest in your group.

3. A D-Group should end on time.

The tendency is for small groups of close friends to ignore the clock during meaningful conversations. That will be a temptation in a D-Group. That is especially true as relationships deepen and discipling each other gets easier. However, as a rule, the clock should decide when the meeting is over. That might sound unspiritual, but a meeting without a consistent end time can’t be a consistent part of your life. For the sake of next week’s needs, this week’s conversation has to end on time.

When launching a new D-Group, ensure your partners that you’ll start and end on time. Then prove it.

4. A D-Group shouldn’t cancel.

I imagine many D-Groups die the death of a few missed meetings. With only three of four people in a group, it can be easy to cancel for travel, sickness, oversleeping, and any number of reasons.

Our group committed to getting together every week if at all possible. Sometimes that means only two of us make it, but two is all it takes. We’ve also “met” over the phone when we’re out of town. The point is to fight for consistency together so you can keep fighting for joy together.

Brandon Hiltibidal is a former church planter and multi-site pastor, and he is now part of the Groups Ministry team at Lifeway Christian Resources. He also serves as an elder and a member of the preaching team at The Bridge Church in Middle Tennessee.

January 4, 2019

Hamsters, Hope, and Why Your Group Should Fight for Obedience

I didn’t want a hamster.

I really didn’t. But, my three daughters and my wife wanted a hamster, and the combined power of their wills is stronger than mine. So, now I have a hamster, and I’ll have a hamster I don’t want, a hamster nobody needs, running loudly on a hamster wheel in the middle of the night, until the Lord decides to take him home. Fortunately, Poe, the hamster, has a least taught me something about obeying Jesus and finding joy and caring for the people in my small group community. I’ll explain.

First, we need to remember that Jesus gave us commands to follow.

“Love the Lord.” (Matthew 22:37)

“Love your neighbor.” (Matthew 22:39)

“Love your enemies.” (Matthew 5:44)

“Pray.” (Matthew 6:9)

“Fast.” (Matthew 6:16)

“Store up treasures in heaven.” (Matthew 6:20)

“Don’t worry.” (Matthew 6:25)

“Don’t sin.” (Matthew 5:29)

“Make disciples.” (Matthew 28:19)

…and many more.

Jesus also gave us each other to help us follow His commands.

“And let us watch out for one another to provoke love and good works…” (Hebrews 10:24)

“Let the word of Christ dwell richly among you, in all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another…” (Colossians 3:16)

“Confess your sins to one another…” (James 5:16)

Jesus clearly has commands for us, and one of those commands is that we help each other keep those commands. However, we’ve likely all been in small groups with people who regularly confess sin while they regularly keep sinning. They keep showing up while they keep disobeying. We’ve also probably been in groups that never even talk about obedience. Groups that never broach the subject of lining up our lives with the commands of God.

And I get that. It’s possible we don’t love the concept of commands. “Jesus saves” sometimes sounds better than “Jesus commands.” But, Jesus and Poe would have us know that if we think it’s weird that Jesus gives commands, we really don’t understand who He is. He is not only the Master of the world whose commands are logical, He is the sacrifice for our sin whose commands are loving.

To help us see this, let’s learn a new word. Jesus said this in Matthew 28:20: “… Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you…”

The word for “observe” there in the Greek is the word “tereo.” It literally means “to guard” or “to hold fast.” We are to “tereo” the commands of Jesus. Hold on to, cling to, the commands of Jesus. Why would we do that?

Here’s where my hamster comes in.

This is Poe and my youngest daughter. Notice the grip and notice the smile. This is what tereo looks like. She is joyfully guarding this hamster. She is holding fast. She doesn’t want to lose that hamster because, for some reason, that hamster makes her happy. Poe the hamster is her favorite thing. She tereos it. She guards it. She holds it close for her joy.

Do we feel that way about obedience? Do we want the commands of Jesus? Do we push against the commands of Jesus or do we hold fast to them?

If we understand that our master is not only logical, but loving, it changes how we think about obedience. The master of the universe doesn’t just demand things from us, He died for us. And if we deeply understand that He was beaten and killed for our good, how could we ever think His commands are bad?

He wants us to live. He wants us to live abundantly. He has already proven that, so we shouldn’t look at his commands as burdens but as blessings. The combination of His lordship and love should cause us to tereo His commands like a little child clings to the hamster. We tereo the commands of God. We cling to them with hope.

When we believe that Jesus is for us, we know His commands are for us, and it begins to make sense why we would be for one another’s obedience. Don’t ignore your brother or sisters sin. Don’t let weeks go by in your group with no challenges to follow the commands of Christ. They are tied to the life we hope for. Our obedience is a part of our joy. We serve one another as we help each other obey.

“And let us watch out for one another to provoke love and good works, not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:24-25)

Brandon Hiltibidal is a former church planter and multi-site pastor, and he is now part of the Groups Ministry team at Lifeway Christian Resources. He also serves as an elder and a member of the preaching team at The Bridge Church in Middle Tennessee.

August 14, 2018

Why You Should Fast With Your Small Group

I once watched my grandpa dive, head first and fully clothed, into a dirty pond in an attempt to catch a catfish with his bare hands. He did that. And he actually grabbed it and hoisted it before it flopped free and got away. He was 65 at the time, which, to me, seems a little older than the average dirty pond diver. But he was, as you might guess, a very passionate fisherman. He was also a disappointed fisherman. After years filled with hours of outdoor sports, he admitted regret a few years back when we were talking about serving Jesus. He said, “I reckon I spent too much time hunting and fishing to amount to anything.”

He told me to give my time to the pursuit of Jesus and the mission of the church. Grandpa realized when he couldn’t do it anymore, that fishing never filled him. It never satisfied. And he wished he had pursued Christ more with the type of passion that put him head first in a catfish pond.

For you and your group, it probably isn’t hunting or fishing that fights for your focus. It might be career goals or your Netflix queue or your family drama. But every single one of us knows that we rhythmically, even passionately, fill our lives and fix our eyes on pursuits that fail us. We are constantly being drawn in and then disappointed by doomed pleasures.

It is because of this tendency to fill our lives with incomplete satisfiers that we should consider fasting with our groups. There is more to hunger for—and it is powerful when we seek it together in our groups.

We fast to remember our Hope.

Fasting is one of the Bible’s prescriptions for a heart that tends to seek satisfaction where it cannot be found. Jesus said in Matthew 9, “Can the wedding guests be sad while the groom is with them? The time will come when the groom will be taken away from them, and then they will fast.”

Jesus was letting us in on the secret that He is the true source of satisfaction. He said His disciples didn’t need to mourn, because they had Him. They didn’t need alternative joys, because they were going to have dinner with Him that night.

But He knew one day He would not be with them in the same way, and then they would miss Him. Then they would mourn. Disciples, like us, would be hungry in such a way that nothing but Jesus could satisfy.

And so we fast. We fast because we long for Him. We fast because so many lesser desires steal our attention from Jesus and they leave us lacking and they leave us longing. When we deny our wants, we can remember our Hope.

We fast to remember our weakness.

I have three daughters under the age of seven who are not very strong. We play a princess cupcake game that requires piecing together plastic parts to make things like the Princess Jasmine Spiced Fig Cake. I have one daughter (I won’t name names) who is not strong enough to squish the plastic “frosting” onto the plastic “cake.”

I know she can’t do it.

I offer her help.

She declines.

She tries.

She fails.

She cries.

At some point she realizes that she can’t do it on her own and she turns back to me and says, “Daddy, can you help me?”

Part of fasting is remembering that we can’t do it on our own. Part of fasting is feeling our frailty. It is remembering the reality that if we kept not eating, we would literally die. We are deeply needy, so part of fasting is saying, “Daddy can you help me?” God wants to help us, so He wants us to feel our weakness.

We fast to remember with our community.

The benefits of fasting are beautiful, but the act itself is hard. I once heard a pastor joke that he’d finished a two-week fast in two and a half hours. We’ve all had fasts die at dinner time. When that happens, we don’t just feel defeated—we miss out on the grace that God gives through the discipline of fasting.

That is where our groups can help. Fasting with your spiritual family provides support when you want to quit. Instead of fighting snacking alone, you feel your neediness with a friend. It is easier to carry on with your group. It is powerful to process your hope with your group. It is sweet to wrestle through weakness with brothers and sisters who are feeling it, too.

If you have never fasted with a group of like-minded disciples, you won’t believe the impact you’ll feel, the memories you’ll make, and the joy you’ll find that will remind you of forever.

We need to fast because we need to remember and hurt and hope. Try it together.

Brandon Hiltibidal is a former church planter and multi-site pastor, and he is now part of the Groups Ministry team at Lifeway Christian Resources. He also serves as an elder and a member of the preaching team at The Bridge Church in Middle Tennessee.

June 4, 2018

Three Ways to Remember Your Way Out of a Spiritual Funk

“Are you still watching?”

Of course I am, Netflix. How else am I supposed to keep my mind off the fact that I just ate seven-eighths of a Boston Cream cake?

I may have thought those exact words during a “spiritual funk” in the past. I’m sure we’ve all been there, streaming and snacking and wondering why God feels farther away. Maybe for you, like me, that has looked like more Netflix episodes than Bible verses. Maybe it looks like ice cream “pinting” instead of praying. Maybe it looks like short, compulsory moments with the Lord. Dear God, thank you for this day. Bless this food…traveling mercies…something about forgiveness….Amen. Or maybe your life doesn’t look all that different, but your relationship with God feels distant and dry.

Rather than turning to comfort or snacking or bolstering up your busyness, you can sit and rest. You can remember and remind yourself of what you have and who you are and the inheritance that is yours through Christ.

When God feels far away, remember.

Remember the Gospel

In a post on Desiring God, there is a great quote from Paul Tripp as he encourages us to preach the gospel to ourselves: “No one is more influential in your life than you are. Because no one talks to you more than you do.”

When we are spiritually weak, the concept might sound weird, like reciting worn-out words. Why am I going to preach something to myself that I already know?

Because it’s life or death. It’s hope or hopelessness. It’s that important. Our joy is hanging on the gospel—on whether or not we believe it. If we believe but forget how much it means to us, we can easily go from people full of hope to people who know a lot of Bible verses, but live like none of them are true.

Jesus died for you. Jesus rose so you can, too. Jesus lives and lives in you. Remember.

“He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree; so that, having died to sins, we might live for righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but you have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” – 1 Peter 2:24-25

Don’t retreat. Remember what He’s already done.

Remember Your Miracles

You have already lived the miracles of God. Remember what you used to be like—not just before He saved you, but last year. Remember. You forgot His goodness way back when, and started chasing other things. Remember when you were wondering and when you felt so defeated and He reminded you again—like He had before, but in a new way—that He’s had His hand in everything, all along.

Remember when He parted the seas of your unemployment. Remember when He defeated the giant that was your besetting sin. Remember when He broke the loaves and fish in your family trauma and there were baskets of joy left over. Whatever it is, wherever He has been, remember. I don’t know you, but if you are Christ’s, you are a walking miracle. Remember.

Reflecting on and talking about the most significant events in our lives is important because it keeps our heads thankful and our hearts soft. It reminds us of our grace-colored past and our impossibly hope-fueled future.

Remember the Future

No matter how you feel or how long it’s been since God felt active in your life, He is, as He says in His Word, “the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Hebrews 13:8).

Remember.

Whatever it is that is pushing you toward “pinting,” keeping you from the joy of your salvation, whether it be sin or relational strain or even just the drudgery of everyday life, you have to remember that this isn’t it.

We have, waiting for us, “an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you” (1 Peter 1:4).

We forget the joy of our salvation when we forget its final fulfillment. Jesus and His goodness are unending and unbending, and we will have it more deeply and more completely than we can possibly understand.

So today, stop to remember the cross, your miraculous past, and your ridiculous future. Boston Cream can’t compete with that.

Brandon Hiltibidal is a former church planter and multi-site pastor, and he is now part of the Groups Ministry team at Lifeway Christian Resources. He and his wife Scarlet have three little girls and lead a community group at The Bridge Church in Spring Hill, TN.

May 15, 2018

You Can’t Keep Your Small Group

Before we think about small groups, let’s think about bread.

A few weeks ago, I went to pack my lunch and I pulled out a full loaf of expired bread. It wasn’t pretty. It was green and white and wet and ruined. So it became trash instead of lunch.

And guess what? I didn’t do anything to make that happen. That’s just what bread does. It sits on the shelf and decays. It greens. Bread goes bad.

Bread goes bad just like everything else goes bad. It’s called entropy, and it is the reality in which we live. Bread molds, bananas brown, and bodies weaken every day. Everything around us is diminishing, decaying, and dying.

I hope you are encouraged by this blog today.

But it’s true. Everything around us is perishing and fading away.

This past Monday night, as my family drove home from our small group gathering, my wife said to me, “I wish we could be in this small group forever.”

I thought, “Me too.” But then I thought of moldy bread.

Seriously. I remembered the bad bread and I realized that this is an impossible wish. Our group won’t always exist. We won’t meet in Ben and Amanda’s living room forever. Entropy alone says it can’t be done. Even if by some miracle, the seventeen of us who gather together every Monday night for the next sixty years, at some point, someone won’t be there. We know, truly and deeply, even when only in the back of our minds, that we cannot keep the ones we love.

Bread goes bad. Life ends in death.

And that means our groups can’t be about our groups. Our conversations can’t be centered on us. OUR community, OUR fellowship can’t be our shining and highest goal. That is an exercise in futility, in light of our impermanence.

I love the people I “group” with. I treasure our time. I’ve been with some of them for years, but we can’t actually be the reason we are together. Our love for one another can’t be our main focus. Because my group can’t last and your group can’t last.

Only One thing can.

“My sheep hear my voice, I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all. No one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.” – John 10:27-30

As a people who don’t know anything everlasting, there is one thing we can keep. There is one person we won’t lose—Jesus. He is forever and ever. He is untouched by entropy and unphased by time. Jesus is everlasting, and He came into the world so that we can be everlasting. We can keep Him forever, because He can keep us forever.

So, we do most for those we love in our groups when we help them consider and call on and cling to the only One who will never miss a Monday. The life of our groups is not primarily about our love for each other, but about His love for us. And we push each other deeper and deeper into loving His love, knowing that we can’t keep our group, but we will keep our God.

Help your group remember why you are a group. Bread goes bad. Groups go away. Jesus is forever.

February 5, 2018

Three Questions to Ask Group Members Who Suffer

The world is full of bad advice for hurting hearts.

Is your marriage struggling?

Are you depressed?

Is life wearing you down and begging you to eat your feelings?

Those are exaggerations, but they are only exaggerations of actual words our world shares with suffering hearts. Is your marriage a disappointment? Make sure you’re getting what you need out of it. Are you discouraged? Pursue pleasure. Are you hurting in any way? Believe in yourself and keep on eating. These “words of wisdom” will only compound our pain.

As a group leader shepherding God’s people, you regularly walk with others through the painful points of life. You are well-acquainted with the words the world has for those who struggle. But you also know that the words we need do exist. We have God’s words to God’s children in the painful moments, and these promises will push us closer to Him.

James 5:10 is an example of God’s Word calling us to God’s Word in our seasons for suffering.

“Brothers and sisters, take the prophets who spoke in the Lord’s name as an example of suffering and patience.”

James sends us to God’s Word. He tells us in this verse to look at the prophets and, in doing so, he points us to the Bible for help for our hurting hearts. He wants those you lead to search for hope in the stories of those who have already suffered as children of God.

Here are three simple, encouraging questions that can help you help others.

First, as you consider the prophets, ask, “How did they suffer?” This is an encouraging question to ask because you are going to see the people you lead suffer in ways you could never imagine—and you’re going to see them suffer in ways you have already experienced. Whether the suffering was great or small, it can be an encouragement to us as people who similarly suffer as children of God, thousands of years later.

The second question to ask is, “How did they respond?” The answer to this question is encouraging because in God’s Word, we see examples of people who were joyful and courageous in suffering. But we also see examples of despair and tears and doubt. In short, we see the humans of the Bible respond the same way humans do today.

Last, we get to ask the most important question, “What did God do?” How did God respond to the pain? What did God ultimately bring about for His beloved? The answer for every prophet, every person, and every child of God who has ever lived, is that God responds with grace. Anywhere you look in the Bible, you will find the grace of God. It is who He is. As James says in chapter 5, the Lord is compassionate and merciful. So when we suffer, and when we heed the call of James to consider the people of God in the Word of God, that is what we witness. Grace after grace.

The Bible tells us God is gracious. The message of the prophets that James wants us to hear—the message of the guys who most knew what God was doing—is that we don’t know what God is doing, but we know He is doing good. The prophets tell us we don’t know what God is doing, but we know He is for us in the end. As you lead in seasons of suffering, those are the words your people most need.

September 12, 2017

A Homeless Man Threw Away My Sandwich

One time a homeless man threw away my sandwich.

I offered the sandwich, he flung the sandwich, and I never saw serving the same. It was just one moment and one guy and one sandwich, but it shaped the way I served for years.

I was involved in a young adult group that prepared and packaged PB&Js for homeless people once a week. Most of the sandwich recipients were grateful for the generic grape and off-brand creamy on white that we wrapped up and passed out downtown.

Most, but not all.

They all had troubled pasts—bad decisions, drug dependencies, or broken minds. But some responded to the gift with gratitude, while others threw the sandwich on the ground and made demands.

This instance, my most problematic PB&J exchange ever, made me wonder if we should just leave the homeless alone. I was handing sandwiches to a large group of guys and several said “thanks.” But one, immediately and angrily said, “Man, I don’t want this.” Then, he fiercely flung it at the trashcan nearby (he missed) and said, “You got any money?”

Wait. That’s not how this is supposed to work, right?

So a sinner rejected my sandwich. This guy was homeless, but he trashed my snack and asked for cash I didn’t have.

I felt like a failure.
Then, I felt angry.
And then, I stopped serving sinners.

Loving bad people can be frustrating. Serving sinners who waste your work can feel like a waste of time. As leaders, positioning our groups to shape culture through gospel-fueled acts of service is challenging, especially when the people we serve need to be served because of their own sin.

I’m sure your group has faced the question, “Who should we help?” “Who should we love?” “Who can we trust not to use us and waste our work as we try to be like Jesus?”

Will our group serve bad people? I’ve certainly asked this question. I mean, a homeless man wasted my sandwich.

Thank God Jesus isn’t like me.

We see people who are homeless and we judge their circumstances. But Jesus sees a heart He wants to bring home. We see dads with no relationship with their children because they were bad fathers. Jesus sees a son He wants to save. We see co-workers lose their jobs because of dishonesty or selfish ambition. Jesus sees someone working for something they can only find in Him.

In those types of circumstances, we often don’t really want to help. We ask, “Who sinned?”

He wouldn’t be homeless if he wasn’t a sinner. He would have a family if he wasn’t a bad person. She would have a job if she wasn’t wicked.

Who wants to listen to those people?
Who wants to help?

Jesus does. Jesus wants to listen. Jesus wants to serve.

“None is righteous, no, not one…” – Romans 3:10
“While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5-8

Jesus serves even though we’ve all thrown sandwiches. If Jesus only listened to the needs of people who deserved none of the blame for their problems, He’d never listen to anybody. If Jesus only helped with the hurts of the innocent, He would never help anyone and would never have left heaven in the first place.

But Jesus listened and Jesus served and Jesus loves. Let your group serve bad people. It’s not a waste; it’s a picture of the gospel. We have all squandered grace, yet still we are loved to the depths in Christ.

Brandon Hiltibidal is a former church planter and multi-site pastor, and he is now part of the Groups Ministry team at Lifeway Christian Resources. He and his wife have three little girls and lead a community group at The Bridge Church in Spring Hill, TN.

June 19, 2017

Don’t Just Show the Gospel; Tell the Gospel

How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!” – Romans 10:14-15

This summer, many groups will serve many people in many ways. Your group probably has plans to serve this summer—you have the opportunity to show the love of Jesus to people who desperately need it. You have the privilege of demonstrating to others the impact God’s grace has had on you. And in this way, God’s grace to you becomes His grace to them.

But you may also have the tendency to bring only a demonstration of God’s love. Often we serve those who need Jesus without actually telling them about the Jesus they need. A demonstration of the love of God without an explanation of how to receive the love of God is frustratingly incomplete.

Imagine you’ve just finished running a marathon in 100-degree heat. Imagine you have just completed 26.2 sun-scorched miles, brutalized by the rays and blistered by the asphalt. And you’ve had nothing to drink. You are desperately thirsty. You have never had a deeper need.

Now picture that I’m on the sidelines, and I have water. It is amazing. Incredible. And because of your fierce thirst, I want to demonstrate to you how powerfully this water impacts me. It meets my needs. It quenches my thirst. It satisfies me. I want you to see the beauty of this water.

Now imagine you, as a raw-throated marathoner, witness my drinking this crystal clear, glacier cold, bountiful, beautiful water right in front of you.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Big gulps.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It is thoroughly quenching my thirst.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Right in front of your face.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Look at this water. This water is so good.

Now imagine that I’m walking away with water in my hand and happiness in my heart because I got to show you the thing you needed most.

And you are still thirsty.

This is often what we do when we merely demonstrate the impact God’s love has had on us through serving without explaining the impact God’s love can have on those we serve. We just show them the “AHHHHHHHHH.” There could be benefit for them, especially when we are in fact meeting a lesser need, such as giving food or helping mend a hurting heart. But we can’t just show the power of the water—we need to explain how they can get it.

We need to say, “Listen, marathon runners, Aquafina has provided a way for your thirst to be quenched. All you need to do is step over to the cooler, lift up the lid, reach down into the ice, pick up the bottle, twist the cap, tilt your head back, and ‘Ahhhhhhhh.’ This water is for you.”

Yes, we must love. And yes, we must serve. Jesus said that the world would know us by our love. But when we have loved and they are ready to listen, when the lesser needs are met and the greatest need is uncovered, will we then preach to them the good news?

Don’t be a group that just shows people the benefits of knowing Jesus. Proclaim to them how to know Him. Serve people and love people. But remember, you serve others best and love them most when you proclaim the hope that is available to them in Christ.

May 29, 2017

One Key to Keep from Quitting Your Calling