Group Dynamics Archives - Group Ministry

November 25, 2019

Five Ways to Care for Hurting People During the Holidays

by Rick Howerton

While many people enjoy the holiday season more than any other time of the year, there are others who struggle to find any joy in it at all. In fact, for many people, this time of year is devastating and debilitating. A broken relationship, a haunting seasonal memory, the death of a friend or family member, or the inability to bless their family with the kind of gifts others are receiving plants a dark cloud over many, especially when they are seeing the masses celebrating passionately when they are hurting deeply.

So how does a small group leader show the love of Christ to those who are living in the midst of the dark night of the soul?

1. Be an active listener while disciplining yourself not to give advice.

For many in this situation, all they need is a listening ear. They need the opportunity to share with someone what they’re feeling and why they’re hurting so deeply. Allow them to say anything they need to say without telling them what they need to do. You can’t fix what’s broken, but you can help them release of some of their emotional intensity.

2. Exercise the ministry of “presence.”

For many, aloneness is what causes their greatest pain. Invite the person to your home to spend the evening without any agenda in mind. In fact, it may be best just to invite them to come for dinner and spend the evening with you and your family.

3. Worship with the hurting individual.

If the person you’re aiding is single, or they’re single when they attend worship at the church (their spouse doesn’t attend church), simply invite them to sit with you. In the presence of God, emotions often flow freely allowing you to be there to comfort them and, in many instances, allowing you to be there and encourage them to trust God in the midst of their darkness.

4. Text words of encouragement often.

Texting has opened the door to encourage in the moment when we don’t have the time for elongated conversations. Use this approach wisely. Don’t bombard the person with statements telling them that it will all work out (this is a promise you can’t honestly make), or that they just need to claim God’s promises. By the way, once a day would be best, twice a day would be optimal.

5. Invite the individual to celebrate the holiday with you—if it’s appropriate in your situation.

That is, if the person is going to spend the holiday alone. Be certain this is agreed to by your family, as many families prefer to spend the holiday with relatives only.

Rick Howerton is the South Central Regional Consultant for the Kentucky Baptist Convention. He has authored many small group studies, is a highly sought-after trainer and speaker, and is the author of Destination Community: Small Group Ministry Manual as well as A Different Kind of Tribe: Embracing the New Small Group Dynamic. He is also the co-author of Disciples Path: A Practical Guide to Disciple Making and Countdown: Launching and Leading Transformational Groups. But Rick’s deepest passion and his goal in life is to see “a biblical small group within walking distance of every person on the planet making disciples that make disciples.”

Church Leadership

November 21, 2019

Missional Small Groups

By Group Ministry

by Reid Smith

Outreach has a way of turning groups inside-out. Not a bad thing. Struggling groups and small group ministries have found help not by focusing on their own internal issues, but by looking beyond their problems and giving attention to the needs of those beyond their immediate relational circles.

Small groups are essential to empowering God’s people in mission. They are not meant to add new comfort zones for people, but rather create environments where believers can be emboldened to go beyond their comfort zones and to do things they never imagined themselves doing. Every group can find a way to be missional in a manner that is natural for its own unique group dynamic. To not do so is a big miss.

A small group becomes missional as it develops a heart and mindset that is aware and deliberate about sharing the Good News through word and deed with those who have yet to know Christ as their Savior and Lord. As the small group leader, if you don’t take the lead in cultivating this “outward-orientation” to your group life then it is very unlikely somebody else in the group will. So let people know at the beginning of your group that finding ways for everyone to share their faith will be an important part of your life together that will ensure everyone’s experience in the group is healthy and life-changing.

The Lord will show your group how it can make a difference in every sphere of influence (Acts 1:8). You might begin by thinking through what constitutes Jerusalem (local-citywide), Judea (citywide-regional), Samaria (statewide-countrywide), and the ends of the earth (countrywide-worldwide) for your group. What does each sphere look like and what opportunities exist within each? Ask the group to come up with examples for each area of influence.

Take time to answer questions and give each one a part to play in organizing for outreach together. You might even want to go to the effort of linking outreach/evangelism with the vision and values of your small group. Explain how the community of your group can be instrumental in helping each one fulfill their calling to be an evangelist and bring biblical truths to life (Acts 2:42-47; 1 Pet 2:9-10; 2 Tim 4:5).

An easy way you can encourage group members to engage in personal evangelism is to turn your attention to people who are not a part of your group during your prayer time, especially those who are already in their relational circles. Prayer builds care. Don’t just give permission for them to invite friends…tell them you want them to invite their friends!

Learn about the neighborhood where you meet, the needs in your community, and ways your church is already reaching out that your group can join in and support. You might even want to reserve a meeting to talk about your discoveries so that your group can be strategic in its prayer and outreach.

There are a variety of ways your group can reach out together:

Invitational – invite your friends to your group and your church.
Event-based – Link your small group outreach to your church events and serve together during your weekend services or special outreach events.
Community-focused – Check out servantevangelism.com for some practical ideas then identify needs in your community that touch your group’s heart and serve together, e.g. community clean-up day, providing school supplies for underprivileged kids, food delivery, helping the homeless, etc.
Sponsorship – support a child (compassion.com) or adopt a people group (joshuaproject.net or adopt-a-people.org), starting with a little research and concerted prayer.
Mission Trips – Contact a member of your church’s pastoral leadership team and share that your group would like to go on a mission trip together. Learn about what your church is already doing and get a couple of recommendations on organizations that can help with planning it.

Missional small groups are not only about reaching those outside of our groups. It is also about reaching those inside of our groups so they can be built up and reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God (Eph 4:13). Small groups that allow God to turn them inside-out will experience the transformational joy of impacting lives for eternity and they mature spiritually in ways they never would have if members had never ventured beyond their own comfort zones.

Reid Smith has been equipping leaders in churches of all sizes and stages of growth for effective disciple-making since 1996. He currently serves as a Pastor of Groups at Christ Fellowship in Palm Beach County, FL and has been a contributing author for various publications, including LifeWay’s Ministry Grid. Learn more about how to start and multiply healthy groups throughout your church at www.reidsmith.org.

Church Leadership

November 14, 2019

When Your Group isn’t Responsive

By Group Ministry

Listen! The sower went out to sow.” —Mark 4:3

The sower’s work is unimpressive. Try to picture the sower scattering the seed by hand. He walks 20 miles in a day, up and down the same field, and when he comes home his legs are tired and his arms are aching.

He looks back over the field, and it strikes him that after all his work the field looks exactly the same as it did that morning. Nothing has changed. He has worked all day, and what does he have to show for it? His effort hasn’t made any observable difference.

This is the hidden pressure of all spiritual work. I sometimes envy the guys who work in construction. At the end of the day you can see what you accomplished. But open the Word with your small group and sometimes you wonder if you’ve done anything at all!

Remember the Beatles’ song “Eleanor Rigby”?

Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name.
Nobody came.

Father Mackenzie, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave.
No one was saved.

Anyone who pours their energy into sharing the gospel knows what this is like: you work hard to sow the seed of the Word. But what comes of it?

How does the sower sustain himself in this work? How does he (or she) keep going? By having great confidence in the seed. The sower continues his work, because he is deeply convinced that the seed he is planting will bring a harvest pleasing to God.

I’ve been greatly helped by seeing that the doctrine of Scripture is not just what the Bible is (it is the word of God), but what the Bible does (it does the work of God).

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.” —Psalm 19:7-8

This Word is perfect, trustworthy, right, and radiant…that’s what the Scripture is. It revives the soul, makes the simple wise, gives joy to the heart, and light to the eyes…that’s what the Scripture does! And it does these things precisely because the Word of God is living and active and sharper than a two-edged sword.

How do you sustain a ministry of the Word to your small group? Have confidence in this seed. Believe what Jesus is telling us here—this is how God’s kingdom comes. This is how Christ’s church is established. This is how lives are changed in every culture and generation.

Colin Smith (MPhil, London School of Theology) is Senior Pastor of The Orchard Evangelical Free Church, a multi-campus church in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, and his ministry extends through his radio program Unlocking the Bible. He is also committed to mentoring next-generation pastors, missionaries, and church-planters through The Orchard Network. Colin and his wife, Karen, have two married sons and four grand-daughters.

Church Leadership

November 7, 2019

10 Ways to Optimize Small Group Bible Study

By Group Ministry

by Reid Smith

As a small group leader, there are things that you can do in your preparation for your gatherings that can optimize the impact of God’s Word on people’s lives (Hebrews 4:12). These practices will actually help your group members get the most out of your Bible study together and become more responsive to the transformational work of the Holy Spirit in their lives:

1. Pray for it – Give each gathering over to Jesus. Pray for each group member by name. Ask for specific break-throughs and invite the Holy Spirit to have His way.

2. Preview it – It is well worth taking 15-minutes before each meeting to…

Read the key passages in at least two different translations (bible.com or biblegateway.com)
Refer to cross-references and commentaries to give yourself a good feel of the context.
Review the questions that are a part of the study you are using and select ones you sense your group will grab onto the best.
Reduce the volume of material given by 50%. This helps the group time feel more relaxed and more focused, which increases overall participation.
Rephrase the questions you decide to use in ways you think will spark further dialogue. Restating the same question in different ways helps some people formulate their thoughts.

3. Facilitate it – Don’t get into ‘teaching mode’ or feel like you have to have all the answers. You want your group’s Bible study to be a peer-to-peer learning experience where every person’s insight and personality influences the discussion. Here are some reusable questions that can enliven the dynamic of any discussion:

- What stands out to you in this passage? What impacted you during the reading?
- Was there something read that is new for you, reaffirming, confusing or challenging?
- How can we apply this to our lives today?
- How could this be shared with people who do not yet know Christ?
- Be patient with moments of silence. If nobody shares after a few seconds, put the question in another way. Here are a few other facilitation tips that will help to accelerate spiritual conversations: 1) Be ready to answer questions briefly and naturally if nobody initiates after giving a prolonged pause 2) People think primarily in pictures so try to portray a topic visually by applying questions to personal stories or hypothetical situations 3) Provide guardrails to keep the discussion on track so you don’t drift too far off topic.

4. Include them – When people feel included, they feel like they belong. When people feel like they belong, they want to engage. When people are engaged, they grow. Time may not allow for every person to participate in the way they would like, but you can help them feel more included by…

- Giving each person a purpose to fulfill in the group that corresponds with their gifting and passion – start them off with small tasks that have a shorter-term commitment.
- Circling back to people who have not shared, but looked like they were on the verge of saying something.
- Make eye-contact with those who share, acknowledging their input with simple affirmations like, “Thanks for sharing” or “Good insight,” and then try to relate it back to the passage being studied or keep the momentum going by inviting others to add their thoughts.
- Expressing your love for them, e.g. “I’m so glad you’re a part of our group!” Simple acknowledgements go a very long way in boosting people’s sense of belonging, which optimizes group Bible study in the future.

5. Open up – Not enough can be said about the importance of authenticity. This is essential to healthy leadership and Bible studies. The more open you are, the more open others will be. You make the group feel safe when you are real and it frees people up to be themselves, which is the kind of community everyone wants.

6. Listen up – One of the best ways you can love on the people in your group is to listen to them. This will probably mean you lay aside your own interests, agenda, or things you would like to say. Give people your full attention and reflect back to them that you understand by nodding or putting what they said into your own words to make sure you heard them correctly. When people see that others are being heard, they will feel more secure about opening up and sharing things on their heart.

7. Lighten up – People tend to be more reserved when there is a serious edge to the study. A light-hearted atmosphere actually encourages more involvement. If you have fun with it all, others will too.

8. Wrap-up – Summarize what happened in your group and give a teaser for what’s next before you end your group on time.

9. Follow-up – If somebody asks a question or shares a personal prayer need during your group study, be sure to follow-up with them. Also, don’t hesitate to contact people who said they were going to be at your Bible study, but were not. Let them know they were missed and see if there is anything they need.

10. Offer up – The way a group stays healthy in the long-run and goes deeper in their Bible study is by letting the grace of God flow outward. He wants to use our Christ-centered community to engage the world, not insulate ourselves from it (Acts 2:47; Rom 1:16, 10:14-15). God always makes room for the lost so expand your group circle as much as possible (Luke 15). He will provide the time and space for additional members if our hearts are seeking to extend His grace to those who have yet to come home. Practically-speaking, you can offer up your group by…

- Turning your group’s attention to lost people during your time of discussion and prayer.
- Telling members that you would LOVE for them to invite people they know to your group.
- Thinking together about how your group can share God’s grace with spiritually empty people.
- Traveling to locations beyond the home where you meet, e.g. hold your study in a public space or go on a mission trip together.
- Transitioning your group into new seasons of study by empowering people to look after different aspects of your group’s life together or handing off more responsibility to a person who could co-lead with you. This will prepare your group to multiply so that more people can be impacted by the love and message of Jesus Christ.

You know you’ve been successful at optimizing your small group’s Bible study if your group members love more: Love God more, love people more, love the lost more, and love Scripture more!

Reid Smith has been equipping leaders in churches of all sizes and stages of growth for effective disciple-making since 1996. He currently serves as a Pastor of Groups at Christ Fellowship in Palm Beach County, FL and has been a contributing author for various publications, including LifeWay’s Ministry Grid. Learn more about how to start and multiply healthy groups throughout your church at www.reidsmith.org.

Church Leadership

October 18, 2019

Four Ways We are to Shepherd our Groups

By Chris Surratt

The elders of the church were put in place to shepherd the congregation in the same way we as small group leaders are to shepherd our portion of the church. Although we are not that familiar with shepherds in today’s society, God chose shepherds throughout the Bible to lead His people. Abraham, Jacob, Moses, and David were all shepherds chosen as leaders by God. Jesus even referred to Himself as a shepherd: “I am the good shepherd. I know my own, and my own know me” (John 10:14).

Here are four ways we are to lead as shepherds for our groups:

From the heart

They know each sheep in their care and will work hard to get them to their destination. The small group leader’s role is to help the people in their group take the next spiritual step to get them from where they are to where they need to be. A shepherd leader will work hard to make sure no one is left behind on their spiritual journey.

With compassion

Jesus (the ultimate shepherd) set the example as a leader who always had compassion for His followers—even when it was most inconvenient.

We see in the book of Matthew Jesus withdrawing for time alone to grieve immediately after receiving the news of the death of John the Baptist, but He still could not escape the crowds.

When Jesus heard about it, he withdrew from there by boat to a remote place to be alone. When the crowds heard this, they followed him on foot from the towns. When he went ashore, he saw a large crowd, had compassion on them, and healed their sick. (Matt. 14:13–14)

Even though Jesus had every right to not care for another person at that moment, He saw sheep without a shepherd and had compassion for them. There will be many times as a small group leader where a member of your group will have a need at the most inopportune moment. It may be a phone call late at night. It may be someone who wants to stay after group to talk. It may be someone at church who needs to grab time in the lobby during the service you are about to attend. While inconvenient, it’s at those times where we have to remember the compassionate example of Jesus.

From the front

“When he has brought all his own outside, he goes ahead of them. The sheep follow him because they know his voice” (John 10:4). A leader that people will follow is a leader willing to go first. This may mean sharing a vulnerable story with the group to set the example of authenticity. The group will model the behavior you display. If you want your group to be open, open your heart first. If you want the group to serve, serve them first. Leading from the front does not mean dictating direction. It means setting the example for others to follow.

Sacrificially

There will be times when leading your group will be a sacrifice. Jesus said, “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep” (John 10:11). While your sacrifices will probably not involve laying your life down for someone, opening your home to a group of people weekly is a sacrifice. You have to keep the house clean, put up the pets, pull out all the extra chairs, make sure there is food, etc. It’s exhausting to host a group! You will need occasional breaks to not burn out, but that sacrifice of time and effort will lead to a group that bonds through consistency.

At the end of our time as leaders, we want to know we led our flock well. We can look to Jesus, the Good Shepherd, and follow His example of shepherding His flock. Though we will not be perfect, we want to lead from the heart, lead with compassion, lead from the front, and lead sacrificially.

Chris Surratt (@ChrisSurratt) is a ministry consultant and coach with more than twenty years of experience. He served on church staffs prior to becoming the discipleship and small groups specialist for LifeWay Christian Resources. He is the author of Leading Small Groups: How to Gather, Launch, Lead, and Multiply Your Small Group, from which this is excerpted and adapted with permission from B&H Publishing Group. You can follow his blog at ChrisSurratt.com.

Church Leadership

October 4, 2019

The One Thing We Don’t Do

By Reid Patton

In a recent sermon on guilt, my pastor said to the church, “I know you people. You come to my office for counseling, and most of the problems you have come because y’all don’t deal with your stuff.” What my pastor was saying is that most of us are not great at dealing with the sin in our lives. Even though we believe the gospel, that our sin has been taken care of at the cross, we still need to deal with the indwelling sin still lurking in our hearts. My suspicion is that the local church where I am member is not alone here. In fact, this problem goes all the way back to the garden.

When God did not accept Cain’s sacrifice, and Cain was sullen, God said, “Why are you furious? And why do you look despondent. If you do what is right, won’t you be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it” (Gen. 4:6b-7). The great Puritan pastor John Owen put it this way: “be killing sin or it will be killing you.” Because Cain did not deal with his sin, his sin dealt with him, and he killed his brother. We need keep watch over our lives because sin looks for any opportunity.

What my pastor, the Book of Genesis, and John Owen are all saying is that it is the duty of every believer to confess their sin and repent of it. Sin keeps us from fully experiencing the joy we were designed to have in Christ and damages our relationships with God and with other people. The mechanism God has given us to deal with our sin is confession and repentance (1 John 1:9; Mark 1:15). Repentance is not simply what brings us into faith with Christ, but it sustains our faith in Christ as we grow. We say no to sin and yes to God. That is what Owen had in mind when he wrote about killing sin—we continually repent of sin throughout our Christian life.

Our small groups are the ideal place to invite people into your personal battle against sin. Yet how few of us ever confess our sins to another believer as James suggested we should (5:16)? No, we typically do the opposite. We try and hide our sin from other people, afraid of what they might think of us. But guess what, everyone in your church and in your small group is a sinner. Therefore, after confessing your sin to God, the community of faith is the next best place to express your struggle with sin and find encouragement.

In her book Openness Unhindered, Rosaria Butterfield writes about the grace of confession in the community of the church: “After Pentecost, believers were ‘continually devoting themselves…to fellowship’ (Acts 2:42). In a real Christian community, there is no shame in repentance. Real Christian communities view repentant sinners as God sees them: cleansed and robed in Christ’s righteousness. And we know that that battle with sin is not finished until we die or Christ returns. For this reason, ‘from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh'” (2 Cor. 5:16).[1]

Butterfield’s point is that when we entered into the community of faith, we found a place where we are accepted despite our sin, because we aren’t recognized by our sin, but by the grace of God at work in our lives. Confession then is not a weight, but a freedom we can only find in Christ.

The people in your group should know about areas of your life where you are wrestling with sin. They should be aware of your struggle so they can pray for you and support you. They should know so they can hold you accountable. Confession is not an embarrassing burden but a great freedom secured for us by the blood of Christ.

All of this begins when you are open and honest about your own struggle and model what confession looks like. Lead from the front, and confess what is going on in your own heart. Be vulnerable to ask for prayer and accountability. Receive others confession with acceptance and grace while addressing it with prayer and pointing them back to the gospel. Make your small group a place where people can “deal with their stuff,” as my pastor suggested.

As small group leaders, you are on the front lines of ministry. You are the arms of the church and the first stop for pastoral care. Humbly embrace this responsibility and lead your groups to become a refuge where people can experience the life giving grace that comes from confessing sin and looking to Christ.

[1] Butterfield, Rosaria Champagne. Openness Unhindered: Further Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert on Sexual Identity and Union with Christ. Pittsburgh, PA: Crown & Covenant, 2015. Pg. 90.

Reid Patton is a Content Editor for the Custom Content Team at LifeWay Christian Resources, where he produces biblical small group studies for Discipleship In Context and SmallGroup.com. He is the thankful husband of Kristen and proud father of Ceile and serves with the Life Group leadership team at the Church at Station Hill in Spring Hill, Tennessee. In his free time, Reid likes reading and going to record stores. You can find him on Twitter@jreidpatton.

Group Answers Podcast

September 25, 2019

Group Answers Episode 119: Heather Zempel and Amanda Seidler

By Group Ministry

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On this episode of Group Answers, Chris and Brian talk with Heather Zempel and Amanda Seidler about untraditional groups in Washington, D.C.

Heather Zempel leads the discipleship efforts at National Community Church in Washington, D.C. Heather oversees small groups, directs leadership development training, and serves on the weekend teaching team. Heather can be found on Capitol Hill enjoying the adventures of parenting with her husband Ryan as they raise Sawyer, their fun-loving and energetic daughter. Heather is the author of Sacred Roads, Community is Messy, and Amazed and Confused.

Amanda Seidler loves to help people build meaningful relationships with one another, grow in Christlikeness, and discover how to impact the world around them. As Groups Pastor, she gets to do that through leading the vision, strategy, and implementation of community environments for growth and discipleship at National Community Church.

Questions:

D.C. is such a transient, busy city. How difficult is it to convince people to be a part of a small group?
Other than the traditional group in someone’s home, what other types of groups do you offer?
What does it take to have a successful workplace environment group?
What counsel would you give a leader wanting to launch untraditional groups?
What are the most significant challenges you’re seeing in group ministry today?
What single decision from your time in leadership, if given the chance, would you change?

Quotes:

People are most likely to give groups a shot when they’re in a season of life change.
If I can pray for someone on the other side of the aisle at 7 AM in a coffee house, that doesn’t have to change when I go into my office two hours later.
You never want to take a system that was designed specifically for another demographic, another church, and try to make it work in your unique location.
You have to be constantly reevaluating your system because culture is changing.
Jesus taught at synagogues, but he also taught at wells.
As a leader of leaders, how do I leverage who my people already are?
We want people to get a vision from God and run with it.

This Episode’s Sponsor: You’ve probably heard about the movie OVERCOMER. But you may not know there are a few books and Bible studies inspired by the film. One is called Defined by Alex Kendrick and Stephen Kendrick, which is a book and Bible study based on insights from the Book of Ephesians. You can find these books and Bible studies at LifeWay.com/Overcomer.

The Group Answers Podcast is a weekly show designed to resource, train, and encourage small group leaders. Each episode considers current trends and resources as well as timeless truths and methods of discipleship. It is hosted by Brian Daniel, a Bible study and discipleship expert in LifeWay’s Groups Ministry, and Chris Surratt, the small group and discipleship specialist at LifeWay and author of Leading Small Groups.

Free Bible Teaching

September 24, 2019

The Discipleship Group That Changed My Life

By Group Ministry

by Scarlet Hiltibidal

I was twenty-something. My husband had recently become an ordained pastor. It felt fast and scary and wrong to me. We were babies. We were supposed to be wild and free. We were supposed to go to church or sleep too late and miss church, not be IN CHARGE of a church. As an act of semi-rebellion I, with my husband’s approval, got two tattoos (both Bible verses) within one week of him being ordained. Okay, I guess that’s not very rebellious, but kind of it was.

I was a bit of a mess those years early years of church ministry. During a few of them, I was a closeted bulimic. During a few of them, I was an uninvolved hider. During some months in there, I suffered a miscarriage and turned away from God — telling Him I did not have anything to say to Him. I did a lot of things wrong during those first years.

But, I never left the faith. I was held together by the body of Christ, who prayed FOR me when I wouldn’t, who discipled me when I was more immature and foolish than I am today.

And I can think back to one particular discipleship group I was in when I was some season of my twenty-something messiness, that extraordinarily changed my life.

Because we were part of a large, multi-site church, there was a ministry specifically for the pastor’s wives there. One weekend, our group was scheduled to stay in a borrowed beach house in the Florida Keys for a “Pastor’s Wives Retreat.”

After eating crab cakes and settling in our rooms in the big house, we all congregated in the living room area. One of the older women said she thought it would be a good idea for each more seasoned mother to share their best advice with the younger mothers in the group.

I was trying so hard to have it together at that point in my life. I had a BABY. I wanted to be the perfect wife and mother. I wanted to make up for all my ministry mistakes and failures. I wanted God to approve of me and I always felt like He didn’t.

So, I listened. I listened so intently as each woman shared her sleep training tips and disciplinary strategies. It all felt overwhelming until it got to Elizabeth.

Elizabeth was the newest pastor’s wife. I didn’t know her. She was really pretty and really blonde and seemed confident and relaxed. She said something like, “My goal in my home isn’t to have perfect children or to be a perfect mother. That’s not even possible anyway… My goal is to live the gospel out in my home.”

She went on to explain that she failed her family all the time, but when she did, she apologized and asked for forgiveness. She said he prayed, out loud, prayers of repentance with her children. She said her goal was to live a life that displayed her need for Jesus and Jesus’ sufficiency in her, and if she was able to give that to her kids, then she’d consider her parenting a success.

She wasn’t saying, “do,” she was saying, “done.” She wasn’t saying, “you,” she was saying “Jesus.” And it’s not like I’d never heard His name before, but it had never sounded so sweet. His work had never sounded so complete.

That moment in that group with Elizabeth changed my life. It changed my family. It grew my faith and gave me hope for ministry, as I began to base my approved status on Jesus’ perfection, not my own attempts to be good enough.

Whatever your group is — whether it’s a sermon-based group or a book-study group or a group for Christian musicians or an outreach for preschool moms — if the gospel is lifted up, if the already done, amazing work of Jesus is made central and beautiful, hearts and lives will change.

Preach the gospel in your group. Be repetitive and ask your people to preach it back to you. We are rebels and hiders and bulimics. We are scared and tired and in over our heads. But Jesus has already died and risen and won. He forgives and saves and leads us out of hiding and fear and self-imposed exhaustion. Our hearts need to be reminded that we are loved and safe and free because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Discipleship groups that highlight that are the ones that will change the world, one broken heart at a time.

“Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” — Jesus, Matthew 28:19-20

Scarlet Hiltibidal is the author of Afraid of All the Things and He Numbered the Pores on My Face. She also writes a regular column for ParentLife Magazine and enjoys speaking to women around the country about the freedom and rest available in Jesus. Scarlet lives in Middle Tennessee, where she loves sign language with her daughters, nachos by herself, writing for her friends, and learning how to raise ducks with her husband for no reason other than cuteness.

Group Answers Podcast

September 18, 2019

Group Answers Episode 118: Steve Gladen on Group Trends

By Group Ministry

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 28:36 — 39.4MB) | Embed

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On this episode of Group Answers, Chris and Brian talk with Steve Gladen about current trends in small groups.

Steve Gladen (M Div., Fuller Theological Seminary) has been Executive Pastor of Small Groups at Saddleback Church since 1998 and serves as an elder of the church. He oversees the strategic launch and spiritual development of more than 7,000 adult small groups on multiple campuses. He is the author of Small Groups with Purpose, which has been translated into eleven languages, and Planning Small Groups with Purpose. He has a driving passion to see each church attendee connected to a qualified shepherd and become an integral part of their church body, living purposefully for Christ. Steve and his wife, Lisa, have been married for nearly 30 years, have two children, Erika and Ethan, and reside in Orange County, California. Learn more at www.stevegladen.com.

Questions:

You host a lot of conferences and spend time with a ton of churches, what are some of the group trends that you are seeing out there?
What counsel would you give a church planter establishing a groups ministry?
What are the most significant challenges you’re seeing in group ministry today?
Saddleback has been successful with virtual, online groups, is that a viable strategy for most churches?
Who has been the most influential leader — your “go to” — throughout your ministry in the groups space?
What single decision from your time in leadership, if given the chance, would you change?

Quotes:

The economy of churches is relationship, relationship, relationship.
You build a church crowd to core.
You need a relationship and you need a responsibility.
The greatest value that distinguishes a group is that it fills the void that you feel spiritually.
It’s the content that brings people; they stay because of the community.
Your driving force has to be “change lives.”
You want to meet people where they’re at and take them to where you want them.
When God lays something on your heart, the toughest thing to do is be obedient to it.

Church Leadership

August 22, 2019

How to Handle Conflict in Your Small Group

By Group Ministry

by Reid Smith

Conflict happens. You cannot always anticipate it, but you know it when you have stepped in it. The temptation is to avoid conflict, but that is a mistake! The key to handling conflict most of the time is to deal with it head-on and right away in love. Attempting to avoid conflict only invites more of it into a situation. Unaddressed tension festers into the kind of conflict that is harmful to group life. “Better is open rebuke than hidden love” (Proverbs 27:5). When group leaders address tension in its brewing stage, it can enrich everyone’s sense of belonging and togetherness.

The most violated principle in handling conflict is Matthew 18:15, which says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.” The first thing believers are instructed to do when they have a problem with another person is to directly and privately address the matter with that person. People tumble into trouble, and disagreements escalate into tragic relational fissures when they skip this first step and gossip or stew in their feelings.

We must examine our own hearts before we go to deal with conflict. For example, our motivation is off if what we really want deep down is for the other person to see that we are right and apologize to us for the trouble they have caused. Rather, we want to ‘win over’ our brother or sister for the sake of the relationship…not to ‘win’ an argument for our ego’s sake. We will be better prepared to deal with conflict in healthy and productive ways if we ask ourselves these questions before speaking into tense situations:

Why am I upset?
Is there anything I need to apologize for or let go of? What can I learn from this?
Why do I want to go to this person? What is my goal? What do I hope to see accomplished?
Do the outcomes I desire benefit me and the person I have a problem with? Would Jesus hope for the same outcome I desire?
How can both of us not just move on but grow together as a result of the conflict?

There is wisdom woven throughout the Scriptures on how to deal with conflict in ways that are healthy for individuals and groups. In the table below, you will find passages on how group leaders can “leverage” conflict to create an environment where biblical community can continue to grow:

Key Scriptures.	Applied to Conflict
1 Cor. 13:4	Go to God before going to another. If you are not being patient, kind, and thoughtful of the other, then you are not responding in love. Be sure your heart reflects love’s attributes before dealing with conflict.
1 Cor. 13:5	Prayerfully offer up the offense and your response to the Lord and ask Him if the source of conflict is something you should release or respond to with truth in love. (Eph. 4:15)
Mt. 18:15-17	When you have a problem with somebody, first pray and then go immediately and directly to them to deal with it in private. Subsequently, only involve others if necessary for their sake and for complete healing.
James. 4:1-2	Use the questions above to evaluate your motives for conflict and get your heart right before speaking into a tense situation. (Prov. 15:28)
Phil. 2:4	Try to understand where the other person is coming from and what you can do to work toward a solution that results in mutual understanding and encouragement. (Rom. 14:19)
Eph. 4:15, 25	Continually hold on to truth and love as you speak to another person. We become off-balance the moment we let go of either one.
Eph. 4:26-27	Be real and say everything you feel you need to say in love. Do not leave behind any scraps for the enemy.
Prov. 20:3; 2 Tim. 2:24	Be self-controlled in conflict. You can prevent conflict from devolving into quarreling and strife when you are mindful of your emotions and thoughtful of the other.
1 Pet. 3:8-9	The best “defense” is a strong offense of love. Resist the temptation to fire back at somebody who insults you. It is a credit to your strength when you find a way to stand your ground while responding in ways that show understanding and love. Humility and compassion help you to relate harmoniously with others.
2 Tim. 2:23	Spend your time and energy on the essentials of the faith and help people to stay focused on the person of Jesus Christ; it tends to be the non-essential doctrines that produce unproductive debates (Titus 1:9; 3:9).
2 Tim. 2:25-26	Be gentle in how you “instruct” others. By approaching and addressing people in gentleness and love, you will be more effective in leading them (and yourself!) into God’s truth and peace.
Jms. 1:19	Group participants will be better equipped to distinguish between constructive and unconstructive conflict as they take their time to listen and learn what others are communicating. It also enriches your group’s Bible study and discussion.
Jms. 5:16	Vulnerability and honesty are the greatest safeguards against unhealthy conflict. They strengthen the unity of the group and raise its level of compassion.
Prov. 18:8	Gossip breeds destructive conflict and breaks down trust within the group. If somebody says something unsubstantiated or speculative about another person (even if they are “passing along” what they have heard from another), call it into question and move on. Don’t back down from contending for a transforming environment by snuffing out gossip. (2 Cor. 12:20; cf. 1 Tim. 5:19)
Mt. 12:25; Prov. 6:16-19	Disagreement and discord can grow into divisiveness. The enemy is constantly at work to divide God’s people and like sin, the longer it goes unaddressed, the more powerful it becomes. Love can conquer anything that causes dissension.

Conflict is not something to rush into or to avoid. It can threaten to be a separator, but the Bible shows us how we can use it as a connector. It can be a “blessing in disguise” when we handle it with biblical wisdom. God, in His grace, gives us ways we can deal with conflict so that relationships grow in ways they would not have without it. In fact, conflict can be the very thing God uses to ‘draw out’ authenticity and empower people to be more real with each other. It can be the key that allows us to experience the wholeness and life that comes with biblical community (Acts 2:42-47).

Reid Smith has been equipping leaders in churches of all sizes and stages of growth for effective disciple-making since 1996. He currently serves as a Pastor of Groups at Christ Fellowship in Palm Beach County, FL and has been a contributing author for various publications, including LifeWay’s Ministry Grid. Learn more about how to start and multiply healthy groups throughout your church at www.reidsmith.org.

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