Group Dynamics Archives - Group Ministry

November 23, 2018

When Group Members Leave

If you’ve led small groups longer than a little while, you’ve probably had people leave. Maybe they’re seeking a new church or a different kind of experience. Maybe your group was not a good fit for some reason. Maybe they want to launch their own group. Whatever the reason—people leaving is inevitable.

Even when people have good reasons, this process can be one of the more awkward parts of leadership. In the groups I’ve led, people have left for all of the reasons above and there is still some measure of awkwardness in each parting. So how should group leaders navigate this part of group life? Be gracious and encouraging.

Gracious

For many, this might be the most difficult part. When you share your life with someone, and they move on, it can be difficult to not take the leaving personally. Though it’s a natural feeling, resist the urge to feel wounded, and seek to be gracious. The goal of group life is move closer to the Christian life, and if people are stepping into a situation where they feel they will have a greater opportunity to grow, we should be happy for them.

But what if the people are leaving for no real reason at all? Still be gracious. People have their reasons, and even when you do not agree with them, you need to be gracious. Once again, the goal of group life is ultimately to lead people towards Christ. We want people to see him through our actions, so we need to treat people as He would treat them.

Encouraging

Next, you need to be encouraging. Christians are not meant to walk through the Christian life alone. Particularly when people leave for seemingly no reason at all, we need to urge them to be involved somewhere else. If you find that people are leaving because they “want some time off”, ask questions to try and see what is behind that attitude. Church is not meant to be just another activity.

Recently, Thom Rainer wrote about Four Key Attitude That are Killing Church Attendance. You may be able to identify some attitudes of those around you in that helpful post. Dr. Rainer points out that often when people shrink back from involvement in church it is for unbiblical reasons. As a leader, you have an opportunity to have a conversation with these folks and help them evaluate some of their reasoning. We can still be gracious while encouraging people to consider their reasons. Naturally, some people will not be open to this kind of conversation, but in my experience, more people than you would think are open to talk.

If your group is simply not a good fit because demographics, focus, meeting time or some other reason, you can encourage people to be involved in another group. All group leaders would serve their churches well if they simply took the time to familiarize themselves with other leaders and other groups in the life of the church. That way, you can always be connecting people to community. Hopefully that’s why you began leading in the first place.

Leading has its ups and downs, people leaving (even for good reasons) can be a downer. Hopefully you now have some handles for navigating one of the trickier situations in group life.

Reid Patton is a Content Editor for the Short-Term Discipleship Team at LifeWay Christian Resources. He is the thankful husband of Kristen and proud father of Ceile and serves with the Life Group leadership team at the Church at Station Hill in Spring Hill, Tennessee. In his free time, Reid likes reading, watching NBA Basketball and Auburn Football, and going to record stores. You can find him on Twitter @jreidpatton.

Church Leadership

November 12, 2018

When You Disagree in Group

By Group Ministry

by Jared Musgrove

It is never “if” Christians disagree but “when”.

It’s important to lean into this as a small group leader. Lead your group to practice Christian unity before the conflict comes. Walk through how you will disagree before the disagreement happens. This is an opportunity to show the gospel to an unbelieving world, and be reminded of it all over again yourselves.

Francis Schaeffer has been so helpful to me in his approach to Christian disagreement. In The Mark of the Christian, he outlines just how Christians are to disagree in a way that honors God:

1. Have regret. Weep over the fact that there is disagreement. This is clearly not as it should be. So recognize this. Weep together if you are able that you are here. Look forward together to a day when disagreements will be no more.

2. Demonstrate visible love. “Not all differences among Christians are equal. There are some that are very minor. Others are overwhelmingly important,” writes Schaeffer. “The more serious the wrongness, the more important it is to exhibit the holiness of God… the more important it becomes that we look to the Holy Spirit to enable us to show true love to the true Christians with whom we must differ.” Spend time on your knees praying for, and perhaps even with, the one with whom you disagree. This is visible, tangible love began.

3. Practice demonstrations of love. Do whatever must be done to show love, outdoing each other in honor even in the midst of the disagreement. A way to start the conversation with practical love is to tell the person with whom you disagree how you see the Lord using them. If they are a fellow Christian, the Spirit is at work in them. Remind each other of this in the midst of the disagreement.

4. Desire to solve the problem, rather than win. Far too much of our history is a desire to win for ourselves rather than for all the brothers and sisters. Schaeffer writes, “But we should understand that what we are working for in the midst of our difference is a solution – a solution that will give God the glory, that will be true to the Bible, but will exhibit the love of God simultaneously with his holiness.”

5. Help one another remember to exhibit our oneness in Christ before the disagreement comes. It is easy to compromise and call what is wrong right, but it is just as easy to forget to exhibit our oneness in Jesus. If there is not a habit of practicing oneness in Christ, of reminding each other of gospel truth regularly, then it will feel foreign to do so when the conflict comes.

Jared Steven Musgrove serves as Groups Pastor and elder at The Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas. He earned a bachelor’s degree in journalism from The University of Oklahoma, a Master of Divinity in preaching from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and a Doctorate of Ministry in leadership from The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He is the husband of Jenny and the father of two sons, Jordan and Joshua. You can follow him on Twitter @jsmusgrove

Group Answers Podcast, Uncategorized

November 7, 2018

Tuesday Thoughts

November 6, 2018

Tuesday Thoughts: Shaping Culture in your Small Group

By Chris Surratt

Today I want to talk about shaping the culture of your small group. You know, every environment that we find ourselves in has a culture. Kind of those unwritten rules or laws that we all abide by when we’re in that environment. For instance, your work place has a culture. There’s a certain way that you behave, how you interact with people at work and that becomes the culture of your workplace. Our homes have a culture. The way that we act in our homes, where we behave in our environment is just the natural culture of the unwritten laws, rules of our homes. Well, our small groups have a culture as well. Now, culture is kind of like the rebar of a building when it’s being constructed and if you were to go by a building when it’s first getting started, you might see these steel poles that are in the building and that’s the rebar and that’s the framework for that building, but we don’t go by a building at that stage and admire it and say, that’s gonna be a beautiful building! I can tell by the rebar! No, we wait until it’s built out and the outside gets on and then we admire it. But if the rebar wasn’t there, that building would eventually collapse.

So that’s the same thing when it comes to our small groups. What is the culture? What is the rebar? What is the framework of your small group? It’s either Gospel centered or it’s not. So if we recognize this fact, we should take on an active role in culture formation in our small group and we should be concerned that the gospel is not merely a message that we talk about, but it’s actually providing the underlying framework for everything that we do in our group life. That it infiltrates our thoughts and our beliefs and consequently our groups so deeply that even the normal aspects of what we do together in our group takes on a different kind of significance and meaning. And that’s being gospel centered with our culture. So over the next few weeks with Tuesday thoughts, I’m going to break that out and look at how do we take each aspect of the culture of our group and make sure that it’s gospel centered.

Chris Surratt is a ministry consultant and coach with more than twenty years of experience serving the local church. Chris served on the Executive Teams at Cross Point Church in Nashville, TN., and Seacoast Church in Charleston, S.C., prior to becoming the Discipleship and Small Groups Specialist for LifeWay Christian Resources. He is the author of Small Groups for the Rest of Us: How to Design Your Small Groups System to Reach the Fringes. You can follow his blog at *www.chrissurratt.com***.

Church Leadership

November 2, 2018

Political Conversations With Your Group

By Group Ministry

by Will Johnston

Abortion. Gun ownership. Immigration. Global warming. Tax cuts. Gender identity. Race relations.

These are critical issues facing our society and our country today, and as such, they are critical issues facing followers of Jesus.

Here’s another one, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35, ESV).

You notice that Jesus didn’t say, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love those who agree with you, look like you, act like you, talk like you, vote like you, think like you, and live like you.” If he wanted us to do that, he needn’t have said anything. It’s usually pretty easy to get along with the people who are just like us.

I spent a decade living and working in Washington DC. My career began in the political world before ending up in the pastorate, and during that time I got to know gay Hispanic liberals, white conservatives from the heartland, and African-Americans from the inner-city. I knew wealthy and powerful people, and I knew the down and out. On any given weekend the church I attended (and later joined the staff of) could have elected officials and people who spent the night on a park bench worshipping in the same service.

When you’re digging into life with people, when you’re opening up yourself, and they’re opening up to you, there really aren’t any off-limits topics. And politics are likely to come up.

But as small group members, leaders, and pastors, it’s incumbent on us to remember that Jesus’ command was not for us to hold a particular perspective on a given issue or to vote for a particular political party but rather to love one another. And as important as all of those issues mentioned above might be, they’re not as important as Jesus’ command to love.

Here are a few ways we can show love to one another when political conversations arise at small group… or family gatherings, workplace lunches, and social outings for that matter.

Don’t assume.

There are people who love Jesus on just about every side of a given issue and certainly in both major political parties. So don’t assume that everyone else in your group agrees with your perspective. Avoid comments like, “I’m just praising God that so-and-so is our next Senator.” or “Maybe now we can finally get that law overturned.” Statements like this tend to cause people who disagree to either lash out or to seethe silently.

In the first statement, you’re assuming your will is God’s will regarding a particular candidate, and most of the time it takes a whole lot of pride to presume to know exactly what God’s preferred election outcome is.

In the second statement you’re assuming that the others in the group agree with you that a particular law should be overturned. They may have a totally different perspective. At the worst, you can make people feel like they’re not welcome in the group because they don’t agree with you.

Don’t attack.

I’ve got a couple of good friends whose political perspectives have changed somewhat significantly over the past several years, and my own have shifted a bit as well.

In no case were these changes brought about because someone berated or belittled us. They didn’t happen because someone told us we were defying God or that all good Christians think a particular way about a particular issue.

If you want to change someone’s mind, a full frontal assault is rarely productive. When you’re offensive, it makes people defensive.

Don’t debate.

Participants in a debate have one goal in mind: to win. The audience might watch a debate to gain perspective on an issue or learn about candidates, but the debate participants are rarely trying to get to the truth. They’re trying to prove their point, to show that they’re better.

I can often win debates because I’m good at debating. I can know I’m wrong and still win a debate. If you’re having a conversation about politics at small group and your desire to win is greater than your desire to arrive at what is right (even if it means you’re wrong), then you’re not doing a very good job of loving the other people in your small group.

Do listen.

Rather than assume others agree with you, make space for them to disagree with you. Say things like, “I know some of you may disagree with me on this, but I think this law is going to make our city a better place in three particular ways…” That’s a rational and reasonable statement, and you’ve opened up the conversation for others to disagree rationally and reasonably.

Do ask questions.

Questions are far more powerful than statements. When someone expresses a political view you disagree with, you can say, “I think you’re wrong, and here are three reasons why.” Or you can say, “That’s interesting. Why do you think that?”

The first puts the person on the defensive. The second opens them up. In listening to their reasons, you might actually learn something you didn’t know or have your own perspective changed. If not, others will likely be more open to your opinion since you’ve been willing to listen first. You’ll also be able to make a better case for your perspective if you know more about their reasoning.

Do engage.

Don’t be afraid of political conversations, and don’t feel like you need to avoid disagreeing with someone in the group. Just be sure to disagree without being disagreeable. We all have rough edges, and part of how those get smoothed down is when others lovingly engage with us.

Let us keep the words of Jesus, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” in mind in the midst of all of our conversations, because as critical as any particular political issue or race may be, none is as important as Jesus’ command to love.

Will Johnston is the Director of Build Community at Eastside Community Church in Anaheim, California. Will graduated from Wheaton College with a degree in theology, did a two-and-a-half year stint on Capitol Hill, and then joined the staff of National Community Church in Washington D.C., where he oversaw small groups.

Group Answers Podcast, Uncategorized

October 31, 2018

Church Leadership

October 30, 2018

Remove Your Masks

By Group Ministry

by Tyler Quillet

It’s that time of year when kids (and some sugar-craved adults) are running around your neighborhood in crazy costumes to collect candy. Each Halloween, we all think to ourselves at some point, “I wonder who is under that mask?” If you are a small group leader, you’ve probably asked that question about folks in your group as well. They may not be wearing a Spiderman mask to small group, but they certainly aren’t revealing their hearts either. So, how do we as small group leaders create an environment where the masks come off? It’s an important question, because masks hide important issues and struggles.

Nine years ago, my wife and I experienced our first of many miscarriages. We were broken. As much as we wanted to cancel small group that week, we knew that as leaders we had an opportunity to be vulnerable with our group. This could go a long way toward us all doing life in Jesus together in the years ahead. We were done with our study and it was time to share prayer requests, so we shared our news from that week. We wept as we opened ourselves up and shared our hurt, our anger and our confusion. The group’s response was something we could have never imagined. Crickets. Nobody said a word. They just sat there and stared at us. It took awkward to new levels. They didn’t know what to do or say, so they did and said…nothing. I finally broke the prolonged silence by praying a general prayer and as people left that evening, a few of the ladies gave my wife a hug to say they were sorry. That was it.

It would be really easy for me to get angry with our group for this. Clearly, we were hurt. We were a newer group of young couples and people weren’t totally comfortable with each other quite yet. However, do you know where the blame lies for that awkward evening? Right at my feet. As the leader, I hadn’t created an environment of transparency. I hadn’t yet modeled vulnerability. To that point, our new group was a bunch of people wearing masks who got together to eat good food and read the Bible together. We didn’t yet trust one another, and so everything shared up to that point as a group was fluffy and superficial. I had failed them, and so when we opened our hearts up, it was something they hadn’t experienced before and they didn’t know what to do.

A good friend of mine who I co-led a group with years ago often jokingly used the phrase, “It’s time to get naked.” Now, please don’t take this literally at your next small group meeting. It won’t go over well and you’ll end up in jail! But I love what that entails when it comes to our hearts. It’s time to strip away the pride, the embarrassment, and whatever else you are trying to cover your heart up with. It’s time to take the mask off of your heart and allow those you are in community with to see your struggles, your hurts, your emotions, your flaws, and your desperation for Jesus.

Doing this once isn’t going to make you a transparent group (see story above). However, modeling a transparent heart, asking transparency of your group each week, and loving and encouraging each other through the transparency is, over time, going to bring you all closer to one another. More importantly, it’s going to bring you all the closer to Jesus.

It’s up to you to ask the Lord for discernment in what to share with your group and when. As group leaders, we have to lead the way in bringing our people to a place of transparency. It may be difficult at first, but true discipleship begins to happen when we are doing life together, sharing our hearts and pointing one another towards Jesus each step of the way.

May your group continue to grow in heart-level sharing with one another, may you be faithful to care for one another as you share from the depths, and may you pray fervently for those who take off their masks and share what they desperately need from Jesus.

Tyler Quillet is the Discipleship Strategist for the Custom Bible Study team at LifeWay Christian Resources. He lives in the Nashville, TN area with his incredible wife, Cathie and two boys, Cylas and Bowen. Tyler spent 15 years as a pastor in Ohio before moving to the Nashville area and is passionate about serving churches and pouring into church leaders in a variety of ways.

Church Leadership

October 29, 2018

3 Advantages of Small (groups and the microchip)

By Dwayne McCrary

by Dwayne McCrary

The November 15, 1971 issue of Electronic News included an ad that read, “Announcing a new era in integrated electronics.” The ad announced that the first commercially available microprocessor was hitting the market. With that announcement, the Intel® 4004 chip launched a revolution we continue to see unfold today. The 4004 chip reminds us of the advantage of small.

Small also contributes to the effectiveness of a Bible study group. I don’t pretend to know what number makes a group small or large in your context, but for me, once a group exceeds 20, it is no longer small. And remember, 10 couples equals 20. In my experience, something is lost when a group exceeds that number.

So what makes small so powerful? There are at least 3 advantages.

Advantage 1: Teaching Options. The larger the group the more limited our options when it comes to how we can teach. Large groups tend to move us into presentation mode and out of teaching mode (which explains why a professor teaching a class of 100 usually lectures). Presentations are about content. Teaching is about engaging the people in the group; tailoring the group time to fit their experiences, needs, and learning styles. Small makes it possible for us to use a variety of teaching approaches, giving us more tools to use when tailoring the group experience.

Advantage 2: Flexibility. A strength of a large group is mass. That mass is also a weakness, limiting the places they can go as a group. For example, if the focus of a particular study was serving, we might move the group meeting to a local ministry location where we can meet and then serve through that organization. The larger the group, the less likely we will be able to do that. Small makes it possible for us to meet in all kinds of locations without overwhelming the location.

Advantage 3: Trust. Our willingness to share is a function of trust. The greater the trust, the greater our willingness to share. When we feel like we know the others in the group, we are more willing to take the risk of sharing our ideas and experiences. Informal conversations that take place as people arrive, when they are sharing a snack, or gathering their stuff to leave nurture this trust. The larger the group, the less likely these trust-building informal conversations occur on a broad scope which lowers group trust.

When a group becomes large, however you want to define large, we may want to begin the process of starting a new group so we do not sacrifice the items listed above.

What other advantages have you found for creating smaller groups?

Dwayne McCrary is a project team leader for ongoing adult Bible study resources at LifeWay, including the adult Explore the Bible resources. He also teaches an adult group and preschool group every Sunday in the church he attends.

Group Answers Podcast

October 24, 2018

Group Answers Episode 71: Trillia Newbell

By Group Ministry

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Our guest today is Trillia Newbell. Trillia is the author of the kids’ book God’s Very Good Idea, as well as Enjoy: Finding the Freedom to Delight Daily in God’s Good Gifts (2016), Fear and Faith: Finding the Peace Your Heart Craves (2015) and United: Captured by God’s Vision for Diversity(2014). Her writings on issues of faith, family, and diversity have been published in the Knoxville News-Sentinel, Desiring God, True Woman, Christianity Today, The Gospel Coalition, and more. She has spoken at numerous conferences, churches, women’s retreats, colleges and seminaries, including True Woman, The Gospel Coalition Women’s conference, Southeastern Theological Seminary, and more. She currently is the Director of Community Outreach for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission for the Southern Baptist Convention.

Questions:

In your book you say there is a richness in knowing — really knowing — someone who is different from you. Trillia, can you elaborate on this, maybe with a personal example, of what you mean here by “richness”. This is about as close to the heart of group life as it gets.
As you have addressed issues like reconciliation and diversity, what biblical foundations have you tended to draw from?
Let’s challenge ourselves with a different perspective. You are at times very transparent about your own experiences in United. You use words like fear, ashamed, and embarrassed. How would you articulate the experience of feeling alone even amidst hundreds of people.
A church’s group ministry would seem to be uniquely positioned to serve others in ways that combat sentiments of isolation as it relates to diversity. How have you seen or can you see groups in their various expressions help churches work towards greater diversity and unity?
How do you think groups can counter a sense of rejection that some carry?
Trillia, why would a church work towards greater unity? It’s hard and in some places simply because of location and a city’s profile it feels almost impossible. In your opinion, why is it worth the effort?

Quotes:

“In any group situation, we want people to go from surface to deep. We want them to know one another.”

“One of the great benefits of knowing people is knowing people who are not like you.”

“We are all made in the image of God. That is the foundation for how we think about other people. God values all people.”

“Throughout the scripture, from Genesis to Revelation, we see a picture of God creating a people for Himself, to be saved by His son, to be in community with one another, and to one day be ultimately worshipping together for eternity.”

“In a group setting, it’s good to ask people how they are doing, and then probe a little bit deeper.”

“It’s so easy for small groups to be comfortable and insular. It’s really difficult to break into a small group that has been together for a long time.”

The Group Answers Podcast is a weekly show designed to resource, train, and encourage small group leaders. Each episode considers current trends and resources as well as timeless truths and methods of discipleship. It is hosted by Brian Daniel, a Bible study and discipleship expert in LifeWay’s Groups Ministry, and Chris Surratt, the small group and discipleship specialist at LifeWay and author of Small Groups For The Rest Of Us.

Church Leadership

October 23, 2018

Tuesday Thoughts: The 4 D’s – The Debater

By Chris Surratt

Okay, we’re having a conversation about the EGRs in your group and that stands for extra grace required people. And Those are just simply people that may take a little bit more of your patience, a little bit more of your time than everybody else in the group. Also refer to these as the four D’s and the first week we talked about the dominator. That’s somebody who just dominates the conversation during the group time. Then you’ve got the dodger, which is the opposite of the dominator, and they’re somebody who doesn’t enter into the conversation. Then you have the debater and the drainer. And today for just a minute, I just want to talk about what do you do if you have a debater or debaters in your group time. So these are people who want to debate the study. They want to debate the conversation. Now, some debate is, okay, and if you’re studying the whole Bible, you’re going to have some controversial topics that are going to require some discussion, but at the end of the night, we want the truth of God’s word to the land. So what do you if you have somebody who always wants to debate it, there are four things that you can do that I think will help as you lead your discussion.

The first thing is to prepare. Be prepared before the group time. Read through the discussion guide, make sure you know where the finish line of the discussion needs to go, so when you have that debate, you can kind of move them towards God’s word.

Second thing that you want to do is study. So make sure that you study the whole passage, the whole scripture that it’s not just one or two verses, so as you studied together with the group, refer to other passages that kind of bring more light to the topic than just one or two verses refer.

Refer to a study Bible like the CSB Study Bible that will help shed a little bit more light on the topic that you’re studying.

And then finally, don’t be afraid to ask for help. If there’s a debate in the discussion and you don’t know the answer or you don’t know where to take it, be okay with saying, you know what? We’re going to stop it right here for tonight. I’m going to ask a pastor this week and then we’ll refer back to it in our group meeting next week, and that’s okay to do so. Make sure that you prepare you study, you refer, and then be okay to ask for help.

Chris Surratt is a ministry consultant and coach with more than twenty years of experience serving the local church. Chris served on the Executive Teams at Cross Point Church in Nashville, TN., and Seacoast Church in Charleston, S.C., prior to becoming the Discipleship and Small Groups Specialist for LifeWay Christian Resources. He is the author of Small Groups for the Rest of Us: How to Design Your Small Groups System to Reach the Fringes. You can follow his blog at www.chrissurratt.com.