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Group Answers Podcast

Group Answers Episode 74: Barnabas Piper on Dealing with Doubts and Unbelief

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On this week’s episode, Brian and Chris sit down with Barnabas Piper to discuss his book, Help My Unbelief: Why Doubt Is Not the Enemy of Faith. Barnabas is an author, podcaster, and speaker who lives near Nashville, Tennessee. He writes regularly for He Reads Truth and blogs at BarnabasPiper.com. He has authored three books, The Pastor’s Kid: Finding Your Own Faith and Identity (David C. Cook, 2014), Help My Unbelief: Why Doubt Is Not the Enemy of Faith (David C. Cook, 2015), and The Curious Christian: How Discovering Wonder Enriches Every Part of Life (B&H Publishing Group, 2017). He also co-hosts The Happy Rant podcast, a popular show discussing issues of faith and culture in a light-hearted, humorous manner.

Questions:

1. Talk to us about your personal struggles with doubt. In what ways have you found doubt to be redemptive?

2. What are some things that the church can do to help with Christians struggling through doubt and unbelief?

3. How important were relationships and community in your process of working through your unbelief?

4. Is it ok for a small group leader to still have unbelief and doubt? How much should he/she share those doubts with the group members?

5. How can a group leader best navigate those group discussions where doubts are shared and answers are not evident?

Quotes:

I knew everything I was supposed to know, but there was a disparity between that and those core beliefs that my hope rests in. That’s where the doubt lived for me.

That doubt ended up leading me all the way through college…and eventually hit a wall.

In the church, we get nervous about questions because it sounds like somebody is rejecting God, but often that’s an invitation for the Holy Spirit to speak into that person.

There is distinctly a redemptive opportunity in questions and doubts if we see them as an opportunity and not a challenge.

You have to be willing to answer the same questions over-and-over again, because some people will struggle with the same doubts for a long time.

The group context is vital to this, because that’s where the doubts come out.

There are doubts that you can put on the table that can rattle other people. You’re going to introduce a doubt to them that they have never considered.

You have to have a barometer of what’s the right thing to say here, and what’s the right thing to say just to that other member.

The Group Answers Podcast is a weekly show designed to resource, train, and encourage small group leaders. Each episode considers current trends and resources as well as timeless truths and methods of discipleship. It is hosted by Brian Daniel, a Bible study and discipleship expert in LifeWay’s Groups Ministry, and Chris Surratt, the small group and discipleship specialist at LifeWay and author of Small Groups for the Rest of Us.

Church Leadership

Remove Your Masks

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by Tyler Quillet

It’s that time of year when kids (and some sugar-craved adults) are running around your neighborhood in crazy costumes to collect candy. Each Halloween, we all think to ourselves at some point, “I wonder who is under that mask?” If you are a small group leader, you’ve probably asked that question about folks in your group as well. They may not be wearing a Spiderman mask to small group, but they certainly aren’t revealing their hearts either. So, how do we as small group leaders create an environment where the masks come off? It’s an important question, because masks hide important issues and struggles.

Nine years ago, my wife and I experienced our first of many miscarriages. We were broken. As much as we wanted to cancel small group that week, we knew that as leaders we had an opportunity to be vulnerable with our group. This could go a long way toward us all doing life in Jesus together in the years ahead. We were done with our study and it was time to share prayer requests, so we shared our news from that week. We wept as we opened ourselves up and shared our hurt, our anger and our confusion. The group’s response was something we could have never imagined. Crickets. Nobody said a word. They just sat there and stared at us. It took awkward to new levels. They didn’t know what to do or say, so they did and said…nothing. I finally broke the prolonged silence by praying a general prayer and as people left that evening, a few of the ladies gave my wife a hug to say they were sorry. That was it.

It would be really easy for me to get angry with our group for this. Clearly, we were hurt. We were a newer group of young couples and people weren’t totally comfortable with each other quite yet. However, do you know where the blame lies for that awkward evening? Right at my feet. As the leader, I hadn’t created an environment of transparency. I hadn’t yet modeled vulnerability. To that point, our new group was a bunch of people wearing masks who got together to eat good food and read the Bible together. We didn’t yet trust one another, and so everything shared up to that point as a group was fluffy and superficial. I had failed them, and so when we opened our hearts up, it was something they hadn’t experienced before and they didn’t know what to do.

A good friend of mine who I co-led a group with years ago often jokingly used the phrase, “It’s time to get naked.” Now, please don’t take this literally at your next small group meeting. It won’t go over well and you’ll end up in jail! But I love what that entails when it comes to our hearts. It’s time to strip away the pride, the embarrassment, and whatever else you are trying to cover your heart up with. It’s time to take the mask off of your heart and allow those you are in community with to see your struggles, your hurts, your emotions, your flaws, and your desperation for Jesus.

Doing this once isn’t going to make you a transparent group (see story above). However, modeling a transparent heart, asking transparency of your group each week, and loving and encouraging each other through the transparency is, over time, going to bring you all closer to one another. More importantly, it’s going to bring you all the closer to Jesus.

It’s up to you to ask the Lord for discernment in what to share with your group and when. As group leaders, we have to lead the way in bringing our people to a place of transparency. It may be difficult at first, but true discipleship begins to happen when we are doing life together, sharing our hearts and pointing one another towards Jesus each step of the way.

May your group continue to grow in heart-level sharing with one another, may you be faithful to care for one another as you share from the depths, and may you pray fervently for those who take off their masks and share what they desperately need from Jesus.

Tyler Quillet is the Discipleship Strategist for the Custom Bible Study team at LifeWay Christian Resources. He lives in the Nashville, TN area with his incredible wife, Cathie and two boys, Cylas and Bowen. Tyler spent 15 years as a pastor in Ohio before moving to the Nashville area and is passionate about serving churches and pouring into church leaders in a variety of ways.
Thursday Giveaway

Thursday Giveaway: Explore the Bible

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Each week on Thursdays we highlight a trustworthy discipleship resource that can help you in your mission to make disciples. This week’s post is from Explore the Bible: Genesis – The Life of Jacob Fill out the form at the end of this post by Friday, September 7th at 11:59pm to enter for a chance to win this free resource!

What may cause a person to intentionally deceive others? How do you typically
respond after you discover that you were deceived?

You view a social-media post that promises a free getaway, noticing that it came from a friend. You click on the image only to discover that the free getaway has some catches. You’re required to use a specific airline and a specific booking agency. You also discover additional fees for the “free” trip. You then discover that if you share this post with other people, some fees will be waived. Suddenly you’re not nearly as interested in the trip.

Understand the Context

Abraham died when he was 175 years old, leaving behind two sons, Ishmael and Isaac (see Gen. 25:7-9). Because Ishmael wasn’t the promised son (see 17:18-19), Isaac received God’s blessings (see 25:11), including the covenant God had made with Abraham (see 12:1-3; 26:1-5). Isaac married Rebekah (see 25:20), and they had twin boys, Esau and Jacob (see 25:24-26). Born only seconds before Jacob, Esau was the oldest and, as a result, first in line for his father’s patriarchal blessing. But God selected Jacob instead to be the patriarch (see 25:23). Although the word patriarch doesn’t appear in the Old Testament, the New Testament uses this descriptive title to refer to Abraham (see Heb. 7:4), the sons of Jacob (see Acts 7:8-9), and David (see Acts 2:29).

Isaac’s family was divided by marked favoritism. Isaac favored Esau because, like him, Esau was an outdoorsman, while Rebekah favored Jacob (see Gen. 25:27-28), creating conflict and competition between the two sons. One day when Esau came home exhausted and hungry from hunting, Jacob offered his brother a meal, only after Esau promised him the older brother’s birthright (see vv. 29-34).

 As Genesis 27 opens, Isaac was old and nearly blind (see vv. 1-2). Before giving Esau the patriarchal blessing, Isaac asked him to hunt some wild game for a meal. Rebekah, who was secretly listening, quickly devised a deceptive plan whereby she cooked a similar meal, dressed Jacob to resemble Esau, and had him steal his brother’s blessing (see vv. 3-17). Although the plan was his mother’s, Jacob eagerly went along. Because he was ambitious, his only concern was that he might be caught (see vv. 11-12). But when his mother agreed to take his father’s wrath (see v. 13), he concluded that the reward outweighed the risk.

Explore the Text

Isaac was old, no less than one hundred (see 25:26; 26:34), and believed he was approaching death (see 27:1-2). In Old Testament times a father’s blessing was more than an expression of love. The blessing of the father, as the patriarch of the family, was an official, binding transfer of the patriarchal line, along with a prayer for prosperity and superiority. Isaac’s blessing also meant the recipient and his descendants would be heirs of the covenant God had originally
made with Abraham (see 12:1-3) and extended through Isaac (see 26:1-5).

When Jacob came to his father, posing as Esau, Isaac sensed something was wrong. After lying about his identity, the meal, God’s help, and his appearance, Jacob deceived his father.

When dealing with people who don’t always act with integrity and transparency,
what can believers gain by setting an example?

The kiss was a formal part of giving and receiving a blessing. Here it marked the end of the ceremonial meal (also a formal part of the blessing) and the beginning of the spoken blessing. Isaac’s doubts about his son’s identity had been removed. How was Isaac so easily deceived?
His preferential love for the older son led to his deception. He heard (see 27:24), tasted (see v. 25), touched (see v. 26), and smelled (see v. 27) what he was looking for—Esau. Because of his unrelenting favoritism, he believed because he wanted to believe.

What are some ways favoritism is manifested in the church? What are some consequences that result from favoritism? How can we prevent it?

Through an act of deception, the blessing went to Jacob. Although Jacob took what God had promised him (see 25:23), this deception wasn’t God’s doing. We can’t justify using deceptive means to obtain worthy ends.

In spite of Jacob’s deplorable actions, God was faithful to His promise. God’s promises are immutable, that is, unchangeable, based on His divine wisdom. They don’t rely on our actions but on His absolute faithfulness. Although Jacob’s life journey could have been more enjoyable if he had waited on the Lord, God delivered on His promise, as He always does. Because Jacob did things his own way, God sent him to the school of hard knocks. Along the way God broke
Jacob’s selfishness and transformed him into a man He could bless.

What are some occasions in Scripture when God accomplished His purposes despite a person’s sinful conduct? What can we learn about God from those examples?

Apply the Text

❯ Believers are to act with integrity and transparency when dealing with others.
❯ Believers must guard against favoritism, knowing it leads to personal deception.
❯ God can bring to pass His sovereign purpose despite the selfish actions of a sinful person.

 

Church Leadership

Free Bible Teaching: For the Busy Leader

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by Deborah Spooner

Your friend texts with another crisis, yet your group start date-—ust two days away—feels like a crisis since you haven’t had time to prepare.

Your small group resource catalog has cushioned the bottom of your work bag for weeks as you’ve tried to figure out what, how, and when to order, and the process seems complicated.

The people. The time. The money. The hassel.

Why are there so many  barriers to getting to Bible teaching we need?

Life’s daily demands can keep us from what we really want. We want to be good disciples of Christ who are pouring ourselves out to make disciples of others. We want to be good small group leaders, leaders who are following the true Leader.

We want to grow ourselves, but we don’t know how.

We want to grow others, but we don’t see the way this fits into our life’s rhythm.

What if there was a way we could effectively address our over-scheduled and under-resourced challenges? What if we could quickly and easily access content that could catalyze us to be disciples making disciples?

Meet Free Bible Teaching. 

From authors like Jefferson Bethke, Tony Evans, J.D. Greear, Randy Alcorn, and D.A. Horton, you have access to the audio of full Bible Study teaching sessions—for free.

From topics like the power of God’s name to happiness, you can fit this quick, hassle-free learning experience into your schedule.. You can develop yourself as a disciple through the biblical messages and advice for specific real-life challenges.

Barriers removed.

Discipleship engaged.

Lives? Preparing to be changed.

Welcome to your new resource. Free Bible Teaching.

Deborah Spooner is a Minnesota-born analytical creative serving as a Marketing Strategist for LifeWay’s Groups Ministry. As a pastor’s daughter with a background in Digital Communications and Media and Biblical & Theological Studies, you can find her at her local church, in deep conversation, or with a book or pen in hand as she seeks to know Christ more and make Him known.
Church Leadership

Planning for Spontaneity

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Are you a planner, or do you prefer to fly by the seat of your pants?

I’m sorry. That didn’t sound very spiritual. Let me put that in churchy language: Do you make plans, or do you just let the Spirit lead?

Order v. freedom. These two approaches don’t have to live in opposite corners, but unfortunately, the “Orderites” view the “Freedomites” with disdain,  and the “Freedomites” look down their spiritual noses at the “Orderites.”

It’s nothing new. In the 2nd century, the Montanist Movement arose with an emphasis on the spontaneity of the Holy Spirit. They saw the church as becoming too structured; conversely, the established church saw this movement as venturing into heretical territory with too much emphasis on prophetic revelations instead of the written Word of God. There was some validity in the accusations of both groups.

Another example comes from colonial America. The established churches with their rules and order looked down on those who emphasized the “inner light” (to borrow a Quaker term). While schools like Yale and Harvard were still institutions with a Christian emphasis, they had concern over the “spiritual enthusiasm” of students influenced during the Great Awakening.

The tension continues, as churches stare down each other over the question of how much emphasis should we give to the Holy Spirit. Order v. freedom. This should not be an either/or matter. It should be both/and. We need to plan—and we need to let the Spirit lead.

“Everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way” (1 Cor. 14:40).

Confession: I am a planner. I live by this verse. I have a love for to-do lists. My prep for Sunday’s sermon begins on the previous Sunday.

Planning is good, but too much reliance on that plan can be bad. On previous occasions as I’ve prepared to lead a Bible study group, I have created teaching plans I was sure would lead those in my group to (1) bring five more people with them next week, (2) go on the mission field, and (3) spearhead revival in America. But then someone would raise a question or an idea would surface that wasn’t in my well-orchestrated plan. I can’t help but wonder if I have been guilty of quenching the Spirit because I wouldn’t deviate from my plan.

Once when I was preparing to lead a group through Experiencing God, I was captured by something I heard from the author, Henry Blackaby.

Plan, but be prepared for the Holy Spirit to work.

In the Book of Nehemiah, we find Nehemiah grieved by a report he received about Jerusalem. He rightfully turned to God and prayed for the city and for himself. He wanted God to work. He sought God’s leadership, but at the same time, he planned.

The king said to me, “What is it you want?”

Then I prayed to the God of heaven, and I answered the king …” (Neh. 2:4-5).

And Nehemiah laid before the king a detailed plan. He had prayed. He had planned. He prayed again. And now he presented the plan he had prayed over.

Order and freedom are not mutually exclusive. Planning and relying on the Spirit should go hand-in-hand.

  • Creating plans without a reliance on the Spirit’s leadership is presumptuous on our part. I can figure this out on my own,
  • Simply waiting for the Spirit to lead us at the critical moment is equally presumptuous. God will tell me everything I need to know at the last minute.

Prayer—a dependence on God—must permeate our planning and our action. God will often change our plans at the last moment, but if we have been dependent on Him through the whole process, we are in a far better position to know what is of God and what is not.

Plan, but be prepared for the Holy Spirit to work.

Lynn Pryor is the publishing team leader for Bible Studies for Life. He is serving a Nashville church as their transitional interim pastor. Lynn and his wife, Mary, have survived raising two sons to adulthood. A graduate of Southwestern Seminary, Lynn has previously pastored and served churches in Texas. Read more from his blog at lynnhpryor.com. Follow him @lynnpryor.

 

Church Leadership

Five Ways to Improve at Encouraging One Another and Building Each Other Up

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by Jared Musgrove

 

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

Christian encouragement is a command, but one we find awkward to employ in everyday life. It doesn’t have to be uncomfortable, though. Like any other skill, we get better at it with practice. With that in mind, here are five suggestions to help you grow in your ability to encourage others.

1. Turn to the Word

Not everyone is naturally comfortable crafting the perfect words for a given situation. In practicing encouragement, I have found that the fewer words I use of my own, the better. This realization has relieved me to encourage all the more, and with greater truthfulness. I don’t need my words to encourage; I need God’s Word.

Let the Scriptures be your starting point for encouraging others. Share with fellow believers where you see the Spirit working in and through them. Point out the fruit of the Spirit that you see growing in them (Galatians 5:22-23). Affirm them in their spiritual gifting and faithful use of those gifts (1 Corinthians 12; Romans 12).

Celebrating someone’s spiritual fruit and gifting is a good start toward true Christian encouragement.

2. Be Specific

Our encouragement is most meaningful when we take enough interest in others and are specific with our encouragement. Be observant of those in your believing community. Who is quick to volunteer and serve others? Who models self-control in their words and actions? Who exhibits patience with those who talk perhaps more than they should?

Based on what you observe, offer concrete examples of how you have seen this person live out their faith. It’s deeply encouraging to hear, “I saw God’s grace at work when you did this or said that.” Specific examples bless the hearer and show that you have taken genuine interest in them.

3. Be Intentional

Give thought to who could use encouragement. I and my ministry team set aside some time during some of our team meetings to encourage one another. We choose an individual in advance for each meeting, then take intentional time to tell them specifically how we see them being used by God. It deepens us as individuals and as a community.

Whether we work for a church or not, we are all doing the work of ministry, and because it is difficult work, we all need encouragement. The best way to be intentional is to think ahead and praise someone based on where you see faithfulness and fruit of the Spirit in a brother or sister. That is intentionality in encouragement, and it draws from the depths.

4. Be Selfless

Have you ever held back from encouraging someone because you were afraid you might feed their pride? Have you ever withheld encouragement because you viewed someone as a rival in your work environment or your circle of friends? We all have, but Christian encouragement and flattery sit at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Don’t let fear of being seen as a flatterer cause you to curtail your genuine words of encouragement. Don’t let your own insecurities inhibit your praise of others. The one who encourages practices selflessness, taking the words of Proverbs 12:18 to heart: “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

We have a choice to be selfish or selfless in our encouragement. We can either harm by the selfishness of our silence or diminished praise, or we can heal by the selflessness of our fruitful words driven by the Scriptures.

5. Be Courageous

Don’t just encourage for godly things already done, but encourage the pursuit of godly things not being done, as well. We often need godly courage in order to give someone else godly courage.

If a friend is looking at pornography, find words to encourage them toward desiring Christ-likeness instead of illicit images. If a friend is engaging in gossip, find words to encourage them toward Christ-honoring speech. Be gracious rather than legalistic. The more you can identify with your friend’s battle, the more loving your encouragement will be. Use Christian courage to confront sin with kindness and gentleness.

I believe encouragement should take its place alongside any list of spiritual disciplines. I’ve found few exercises to be more challenging and affirming to my walk with Christ and to my ability to benefit my brothers and sisters.

When we encourage someone, we have the opportunity to speak healing truth into their life. We do this by grace through a heart changed by Christ and words drawn from Scripture. In this way, may we strive to excel in building up the church (1 Corinthians 14:12).

*Aspects of this article also appeared at tvcresources.net and ftc.co

Jared Steven Musgrove serves as Groups Pastor and elder at The Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas. He earned a bachelor’s degree in journalism from The University of Oklahoma, a Master of Divinity in preaching from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and a Doctorate of Ministry in leadership from The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He is the husband of Jenny and the father of two sons, Jordan and Joshua. You can follow him on Twitter @jsmusgrove 

 

Church Leadership

An Innovative Approach to Church Life…from 1916

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The following historical tidbit surprised me.

It just seems so natural to walk into the store, make my selections while I walk up and down the aisles, and check out. But prior to 1916, you went to the local grocer and simply handed him your list. He went to the back, got the items, and brought them out to you. Every store did that, including the store Clarence Saunders operated in Memphis. But the process bugged Saunders. It was time-consuming. He wanted a faster way to serve customers—and serve more customers.

This sounds so ordinary to us, but he rocked the shopper’s world when they walked into his new store and found all the products were out front—not in the back. He handed shoppers a basket and empowered them to pick up their own items!

Some people expected this approach to fail. The naysayers expected a negative reaction: I should be paying less since I’m doing the bulk of the work. But when Saunders opened his new store on September 6, 1916, his innovation took off. And here we are 100 years later, gladly standing in the chip aisle, trying to choose between Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos. Some of us still shop in the store bearing the same name as the 1916 original: Piggly Wiggly.

Believers need to approach the Christian life with the same attitude we have when we enter the grocery store. If you need something, you go get it. Instead, too many Christians go to church expecting others—in particular, the church staff—to do things for them.

  • Pastor, I need you to pray for my Uncle Murray. Because God listens more to pastors.
  • Pastor, you need to share the gospel with my neighbor. If he was saved, he’d keep his dog out of my yard. Because the message of salvation only has meaning when it comes from the pastor—and not from someone who has been yelling at the neighbor’s dog.
  • Pastor, you need to visit Martha. She’s upset because she’s been ill yet no one came to see her. Because only pastors are allowed to visit the sick.
  • Pastor, the restroom is out of paper towels—again.

Anyone who has ever pastored can tell you these are exactly the kinds of things many church members expect their leaders to do. It never crosses their minds that they could do these things themselves.

Church members need to get out of 1915! Let’s move into 1916 with its innovative approach to grocery shopping and apply the same principle to church life. If you see something in life and ministry that needs to be done, do it. Don’t present your list to the pastor and expect him to do it.

Notice who does the work of ministry in this passage:

“So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service” (Eph. 4:11-12).

Don’t give your ministry shopping list to your pastor. Take care of it yourself—as God leads you and works through you.

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms” (1 Pet. 4:8-10).

Lynn Pryor is the publishing team leader for Bible Studies for Life. He is serving a Nashville church as their transitional interim pastor. Lynn and his wife, Mary, have survived raising two sons to adulthood. A graduate of Southwestern Seminary, Lynn has previously pastored and served churches in Texas. Read more from his blog at lynnhpryor.com. Follow him @lynnpryor.
Church Leadership, Group Leadership, Uncategorized

Last Chance to Register for Free Small Groups Webinar

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Hey everyone, my name is Chris Surratt and I am the Small Group and Discipleship Specialist at LifeWay Christian Resources, and author of Small Groups for the Rest of Us, and Gospel-Centered Small Groups. I am super excited to let you know about a small groups webinar that I will be hosting on October 9th, 2018 at 11AM Central. Our panelists: Steve Gladen from Saddleback Church, Heather Zempel from National Community Church, and Bill Willits from North Point Community Church, will be discussing how to have effective small groups in the modern church. At a time when churches are giving up on, or moving away from, offering small groups, how are these three trend-setting churches continuing to produce life-changing and disciple-making groups for not only just church members, but for people outside of the church as well? And, the best part about this webinar? It’s completely free! Just hit the registration link on this video and join us for one hour on Tuesday, October 9th at 11am to learn about producing effective small groups in the modern church.

 

Church Leadership

Tornadic Activity in Your Group

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by Jared Musgrove

I grew up in Oklahoma where tornadoes are just part of life. You learn to live with getting out of their way. You also learn that there is not a true linear pattern to how they are formed. As I was raised to understand, tornadoes are dependent on weather conditions coming together just so if they are to exist. The conditions of lightning, rain, wind and clouds can exist and a tornado never form. Some of these may exist and then immediately a whirlwind ensues. Tornadoes don’t follow a particular pattern or process. Elements come together out of certain conditions, and all those elements must be present for a tornado to form.

Your Bible study group may isn’t all that different.

Your role is to ask God for the elements to come together in such a way that souls are spiritually formed when His Holy Spirit moves. Word. Prayer. Food. Fellowship. Encouragement. Accountability. These are some of the elements. Assemble and plan for them faithfully, and pray for the wind to blow.

After you place the extra chairs out, sit in the circle where you will have group that night. Pray over each chair that represents a soul who will sit together with others to celebrate the truth that the Father sent the Son. Raise empty hands of faith and ask the Lord to produce great fruit in you and your group members.

We cannot make the group happen, any more than we can create a tornado. But we can anticipate God’s bringing together of elements for the formation of a spiritual event in the lives of those who make up our group.

Jared Steven Musgrove serves as Groups Pastor and elder at The Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas. He earned a bachelor’s degree in journalism from The University of Oklahoma, a Master of Divinity in preaching from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and a Doctorate of Ministry in leadership from The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He is the husband of Jenny and the father of two sons, Jordan and Joshua. You can follow him on Twitter @jsmusgrove 

 

Thursday Giveaway

Thursday Giveaway: Unstuck

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Each week on Thursdays we highlight a trustworthy discipleship resource that can help you in your mission to make disciples. This week’s post is from the study Unstuck. Fill out the form at the end of this post by Friday, September 28th at 11:59pm to enter for a chance to win this free resource!

The Rut of Unforgiveness

Everything you know about forgiveness will be tested by marriage. There are no lasting relationships without forgiveness. Contrast this truth with a memorable movie line from the twentieth century, which expresses a worldly misunderstanding of this lifelong relationship: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

The main reason that concept is a lie that it overlooks the truth we confronted earlier this week about our own sin. In human relationships, each day presents a new reason to admit guilt and take responsibility. A biblical rewrite of that movie line would be “Love means being willing to say you’re sorry and actually meaning it.”

In marriage a lack of forgiveness builds up over time to rob the relationship of traction. Big offenses seldom cause material loss of traction; it’s the accumulation of little wrongs that haven’t been addressed.

If you’re not sure how offenses are handled in your marriage, here are four alternative responses we often substitute for forgiveness that have devastating effects in a relationship. If you recognize that one or more of these are your pattern, it’s time to make forgiveness the default response. When an offense occurs, do you-

  1. Go on the attack, escalating the offense with more hurt?
  2. Retreat, escaping into silence and nursing the hurt?
  3. Hide, escaping into activities and work to avoid the conflict?
  4. Give up, adding another offense to your list of hopelessness?

Each of these responses not only avoids forgiveness but also destroys the priority of marriage, denies the reality of your mutual flawed tendencies, diminishes your capacity to overcome difficulties, and detracts from the possibility of delight in your spouse. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is key to gaining traction when the road of life turns slippery.

Review the four typical reactions to offenses that can become patterns in marriage. Which one(s) can you most relate to?

Are you ready for the forgiving alternative?

Read Colossians 3:12-13. What standard and measurement does Paul specify for the kind of forgiveness a follower of Christ should offer?

Forgiveness is releasing someone from the obligation that occurred when that person hurt you. For Christians, first, forgiveness is obedience to God. Second, forgiveness bears witness to the gospel that’s at work in our hearts. We forgive because we’ve been forgiven. As Jesus forgives us, we forgive others—and forgiveness should begin inside our family.

Read Proverbs 10:12. In the words of this Proverb, why is covering all offenses with forgiveness better than trying to cover up those offenses?

In your experience, what happens when you try to ignore or cover up offenses rather than forgive them?

Let’s briefly look at the other side of the equation. If we love someone and we know we’ve hurt them, we make it easier for them to forgive us by asking for it. This involves a confession of our wrongdoing and a request for pardon. Here are a few wrong ways to apologize.

  1. “I’m sorry.” This is the most frequent and incomplete attempt at an apology. “I’m sorry” by itself basically says, “I care about how I feel, not necessarily about how you feel.”
  2. “If I hurt you, I’m sorry.” This isn’t an apology. It’s a rationalization followed by information. It means “I’m not taking responsibility for the pain I caused, and even if it could be proved that it was my fault, the best you’re getting from me is a vague bad feeling.”
  3. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but that wasn’t my intent.” Apology? No! It compounds the pain by minimizing our responsibility for the hurt we’ve caused.
  4. Here’s the worst one: “Hey, I’m sorry you got hurt,” which, translated, means “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive and weak that my minor offense hurt you. It’s really your own fault that it bothered you!”

Only one apology reflects a repentant heart that God will use to revitalize a relationship that needs healing: “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I was wrong when I hurt you. I have no excuse. Will you please forgive me?”

Why is this final form of apology hard for us to deliver?

An important part of the process is actually asking the person we hurt to forgive us and waiting for their response. Because we fear they may say no, we’re often reluctant to be vulnerable and confess. But if we’re unwilling to be vulnerable, how badly do we really want to be forgiven?

Ask God to show you any areas of unforgiveness you’re holding against your spouse or others. Sit quietly long enough for Him to answer your prayer. If He brings any matters to mind, deliberately release them.

Spend a moment meditating on this week’s memory verse. Consider ways a willingness to forgive your spouse is both a way to hold fast to each other and to maintain unity.

A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. 

GENESIS 2:24-25

Excerpted from Unstuck: Fresh Traction for Common Struggles. Published by LifeWay Press®. © 2018 James MacDonald. Used by permission.

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